


Why Does Akaashi Keiji Have So Many Contacts

by starcmr (rosegreydreams)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bad Jokes, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Group chat, M/M, Some Humor, Some Memes - Freeform, akaashi what have you done, i'm sorry i have so many tags, literally as many characters i could put in, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2018-12-25 16:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12040194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosegreydreams/pseuds/starcmr
Summary: bokuto-san: hes rlly hot how do ibokuto-san: aksbsnasdhwkshakaashi!!: Hmm. You know what would distract you from that? As well as possibly helping you get a boyfriend?akaashi!!: In addition, providing me with a source of entertainment?bokuto-san: pls whatakaashi!!: Well you see, I have quite a few contacts now from various volleyball teams across the countryakaashi!!: Who I do not know all too well and would like to get to know betterbokuto-san: ye but what does this have to do wi kuroo ??akaashi!!: I’ll make a group chatbokuto-san: oh noakaashi!!: Help Bokuto Koutarou Score A Hottie™bokuto-san: akaashi please[Shark has added aobajousaiace, chikara_karasuno, foxyyboi, fruitagucci, InarizakiMiya, kindaichi_y, kiwinishi, koushit, kuguri_nohebi, kunahmi_nahkira, lilyama, mooshijima, oikawahahaha, puddign_haed, sasuke_kiyoomi, settersrc00l, SunaRathaThanLata, ssssuguru, teradshima and yourangleoryuordevil to the conversation][Shark has named this conversation alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass]In which Kuroo and Bokuto resort to group chats with various volleydudes from all across Japan for crush advice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm celebrating my return to writing with this piece of shit
> 
> names all get explained somewhere or are pretty self-explanatory anyway
> 
> ~
> 
> it's late at night so i probably made a ton of mistakes but right now i don't give a rat's ass so i apologize in advance

_Direct Message:_ _Shark_ _and_ _WisdomOfTheAce_

[4:43 am]

 

 **bokuto-san:** akaaaaaaaashi !!

 **bokuto-san** : halp meee

 

 **akaashi!!:** What happened now

 

 **bokuto-san:** its kuroo

 

 **akaashi!!:** Ah

 

 **bokuto-san:** he keeps sending me shirtless pics n i have to pretend its a Bro thing but

 **bokuto-san:** hes rlly hot how do i

 **bokuto-san:**  aksbsnasdhwksh

 

 **akaashi!!:** Hmm. You know what would distract you from that? As well as possibly helping you get a boyfriend?

 **akaashi!!:** In addition, providing me with a source of entertainment?

 

 **bokuto-san:** pls what

 

 **akaashi!!:** Well you see, I have quite a few contacts now from various volleyball teams across the country

 **akaashi!!:** Who I do not know all too well and would like to get to know better

 

 **bokuto-san:** ye but what does this have to do wi kuroo ??

 

 **akaashi!!:** I’ll make a group chat

 

 **bokuto-san:** oh no

 

 **akaashi!!:** Help Bokuto Koutarou Score A Hottie™

 

 **bokuto-san:** akaashi please

 

 _[_ _Shark_ _has added_ _aobajousaiace_ _,_ _chikara_karasuno_ _,_ _foxyyboi_ _,_ _fruitagucci_ _, InarizakiMiya, _ _kindaichi_y_ _,_ _kiwinishi_ _,_ _koushit_ _,_ _kuguri_nohebi_ _,_ _kunahmi_nahkira_ _,_ _lilyama_ _,_ _mooshijima_ _,_ _oikawahahaha_ _,_ _puddign_haed_ _,_ _sasuke_kiyoomi_ _,_ _settersrc00l_ _,_ _SunaRathaThanLata_ _,_ _ssssuguru_ _,_ _teradshima_ _and_ _yourangleoryuordevil_ _to the conversation]_

 

 _[_ _Shark_ _has named this conversation_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_ _]_

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** i literally know none of you

 

 **oikawahahaha:** back at ya but it sounds spicy let’s do it

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** akaashi why

 

 **Shark:** Basically nobody’s online right now but I’ll further set up this chat in about two hours

 **Shark:** ‘Til then, peace out

 

 **puddign_haed:** oh god i am so tempted to tell kuroo abt this

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** dont u dare u flan head

 

* * *

 

 _Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[7:01 am]

 

 **fruitagucci:** yooo new chat who dis

 

 **kiwinishi:** nobody knows

 

 **foxyyboi:** why tf does everyone have such stupid names

 

 **settersrc00l:** ur one to talk, miya

 

 **foxyyboi:** how do you know who i am

 

 **settersrc00l:** it’s kageyama

 

 **foxyyboi:** tobio-kun?? what u doin here

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** what are any of us doing here

 

 **fruitagucci:** hey shark dude pls return and explain

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** who are you people? who is shark?

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** what are we doing here? ... and why us

 

 **foxyyboi:** … sakusa ? didnt know u were a fan of naruto lmao

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** my phone autocorrected it and i didn’t notice until after

 

 **settersrc00l:** i thought you hated phones because they were unhygienic or something

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** well they are, but i have two screen protectors and i always use my stylus

 

 **kiwinishi:** ok ur weird

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** taichi-kun~~~

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** do we know these people

 

 **kiwinishi:** no idea honestly

 

 **mooshijima:** I’m here as well for some reason. Hello Tendou, Kawanishi.

 

 **kiwinishi:** ushijima??

 

 **oikawahahaha:** that.. cow.. is here as well?!!?

 **oikawahahaha:** alright i’m leaving

 

 _[_ _oikawahahaha_ _has left this conversation.]_

 

 **Shark:** I have been summoned I see

 **Shark:** Time to establish our first rule, then

 **Shark:** Nobody gets to leave

 

 _[_ _Shark_ _has added_ _oikawahahaha_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **oikawahahaha:** noooo pls

 

 **mooshijima:** Hello, Oikawa.

 

 **oikawahahaha:** fuck a fridge giraffe waka

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** you legit are all strangers how did you get my acc and who are you all

 

 **ssssuguru:** wait i know a few people here tho it’s a vball thing ig

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** daishou ?

 

 **Shark:** Indeed.

 **Shark:** I, Akaashi Keiji, have created this group for three reasons.

 **Shark:** To aid Bokuto-san in his quest to win Kuroo’s heart

 **Shark:** To get to know more people and expand my social circles

 **Shark:** And for the memes.

 

 **aobajousaiace:** i've only just arrived and already i can’t see this turning out well

 

 **ssssuguru:** i hate kuroo’s guts tho why would you enlist me

 

 **fruitagucci:** only circles you’ll be expanding are the nine circles of hell lez be honest

 

 **kiwinishi:** guess i cant say no to memes

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** lmao cant wait for this to burn

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** ugh fml i'm leaving

 

 **Shark:** Oh, and as Miya Atsumu pointed out earlier, there are a rather large amount of stupid names

 

 **foxyyboi** : see

 

 **oikawahahaha:** i beg ur pardon

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** excuse me

 

 **fruitagucci:** excuse me

 

 **kiwinishi:** excuse me

 

 **settersrc00l:** excuse you

 

 **foxyyboi:** my point stands

 

 **Shark:** ... However, I believe that everyone here could use one.

 

 **InarizakiMiya:** No please

 

 **foxyyboi:** lol rippp

 **foxyyboi:** ur names stupid anyway everyone knows i am the better brother n deserve that name

 

 _[_ _InarizakiMiya_ _has changed his name to_ _gettin real tired of foxyyboi_ _]_

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Your point?

 

 **Shark:** Good good

 

 **kindaichi_y:** Shark-san

 **kindaichi_y:** sorry, Akaashi-san

 **kindaichi_y:** can i ask why your name is like it is

 

 **Shark:** I was once told that i had the soulless and deathly eyes of one

 **Shark:** It was a very nice compliment

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** konoha didnt mean it as one

 

 **Shark:** Impact over Intention, remember

 

 **kindaichi_y:** oh

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** hey i'm here now, *yas hello my adoring fans*, n could some other dudes use this for dating advice

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** okay i didnt agree to this chat and ur so-called dating advice anyway

 

 **Shark:** Too bad

 **Shark:** Kunimi- Elaborate

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** well you see

 **kunahmi_nakhira:** there's this boy i've liked for a year or so now

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** and he's really cute

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** problem is, he's sorta dense when it comes to stuff like that

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** i can flirt with him and he won't pick up on it at all

 

 **kindaichi_y:** should i talk to him for you?

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** uhh

 

 **settersrc00l:** yeah so he's really extremely dense

 

 **kindaichi_y:** that's unfortunate, i'm sorry kunimi

 

 **kiwinishi:** … i see

 

 **fruitagucci:** lmao just ask him out then

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** i don't wanna ask him out tho,, i wanna BE asked out

 

 **fruitagucci:** ahah relatable

 

 **oikawahahaha:** all my kouhai are super gay eww

 

 **aobajousaiace:** yeah they get it from you

 

 **foxyyboi:** rrrrrrrroaSTED

 

 **SunaRathaThanLata:** You're one to talk, seeing as my boyfriend just burned you hard

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Thanks for the support honey  <3

 

 **foxyyboi:** fuck off osamu not all of us are in relationships

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** basically the apparent reason for the creation of this chat

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** theres so much salt here,, its like im having that one sleepover with both semi and shirabu again

 

 **kiwinishi:** worst night of my high school life

 

 **mooshijima:** I hate to speak ill of my teammates but I must agree.

 

 **oikawahahaha:** well, i'm glad u suffered

 

 **aobajousaiace:** oikawa

 

 **teradshima:** yoooo late to the party but here with the fun !!

 

 **fruitagucci:** YOOOOO

 

 **teradshima:** HEEEEEEY

 

 **fruitagucci:** YUUJI MA BOI

 

 **teradshima:** AYYEE KENJI HOW YA DOIN

 

 **fruitagucci:** FINE IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF HBU

 

 **teradshima:** COOL AND GOOD MY DUDE COOL AND GOOD

 

 **mooshijima:** You know,

 **mooshijima:** Sometimes I have a hard time believing that these two are captains of some of Miyagi's strongest volleyball teams.

 

 **oikawahahaha:** i hate to agree with cow here but y'all got

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** rrrrrrroASTED

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** great i still know basically nobody here

 

 **ssssuguru:** the mammals are all asleep

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** daishou we aren't actually snakes you know that right

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** hey arent owls nocturnal or whatever

 

 **ssssuguru:** sssh nobody needs to know

 

 **Shark:** Most normal high schoolers awaken at 10-12 am on weekends

 **Shark:** Shall we try for full introductions then?

 

 **foxyyboi:** yeah what kinda scrubs get up before 8

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** It is 7:36; your point

 

 **foxyyboi:** not my fault you n suna were loud

 

 **SunaRathaThanLata:** No we weren't

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** As I recall I went into your room to get an extra towel and you were engrossed in Cosmopolitan

 

 **SunaRathaThanLata:** We're literally the quietest members of the team though; where the hell do you get loud from?

 

 **foxyyboi:** … PDA

 

 **oikawahahaha:** ooh did you overhear their ~sexy times~

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** gimme the dirty dirty deets

 

 **teradshima:** don't leave anything out, foxyyboi

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Ah yes, mine and Rintarou's Sexy Times

 

 **SunaRathaThanLata:** Yes, yes

 **SunaRathaThanLata:** This morning i recall a very strong, extremely orgasmic sex move

 **SunaRathaThanLata:** Osamu, dear, would you like to explain ;))

 

 **fruitagucci:** ooh, spicy spicy

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Absolutely, sweetie ;)) .. I believe it was called

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** 'reading and discussing the news'

 

 **SunaRathaThanLata:**  You know, Hurricane Irma poses a very real danger to the United States and has already devastated and wiped out several Caribbean islands, like Barbuda and St Martin

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** And Bangladesh, India, and Nepal are experiencing severe monsoon flooding

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** oh

 

 **kiwinishi:** bwAHAHAHA Y'ALL GOT SO PYSCHED UP

 

 **oikawahahaha:** thats not gay enough

 **oikawahahaha:** Cosmo, tho~~ foxyyboi, u got good taste

 

 **kindaichi_y:** Oikawa-san

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** god sometimes i'm so embarrassed you're my senpai

 

 **settersrc00l:** your fault you went to his school

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** yeah yeah as i recall weren't your grades so shit you couldn't even get in on a volleyball scouting

 

 **settersrc00l:** you're a prick kunimi

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** mmhm but at least oikawa likes me

 

 **oikawahahaha:** kunimi~chan, i love all my kouhai equally

 

 **kindaichi_y:** thank you, Oikawa-san !!

 

 **oikawahahaha:** except for tobio-chan

 **oikawahahaha:** he can suck ushiwaka's dick in hell

 

 **mooshijima:** I appreciate the offer, Oikawa, but I'm afraid I'm already in a committed relationship

 **mooshijima:** Which is one more than you have, last I checked

 

 **fruitagucci:** ushijima wakatoshi: the savage we never knew about

 

 **Shark:** Yes. So far I think we're doing great

 

* * *

 

 _Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[10:15 am]

 

 **lilyama:** what's this

 **lilyama:** a new groupchat

 

 **koushit:** oh hi yamaguchi!!

 

 **lilyama:** hi mom

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** wh

 

 **lilyama:** hi mom 2

 

 **teradshima:** wtf

 

 **fruitagucci:** lmao u don't have a team mom??

 

 **teradshima:** uh never rlly thought abt it

 **teradshima:** hana, ig; who's urs

 

 **fruitagucci:** dearest moniwa

 

 **teradshima:** shoulda guessed

 

 **koushit:** what is this place

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** why are we here

 

 **koushit:** who are these people

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** what is the meaning of life

 

 **lilyama:** heyo what's gucci my dudes

 

 **koushit:** how many times have i told you not to talk like that

 

 **fruitagucci:** 'MOOOM'

 

 **teradshima:** lmao

 

 **Shark:** The second batch has arrived

 **Shark:** We are missing but a few now

 **Shark:** Then we shall begin the ritual

 

 **foxyyboi:** hold up mr sharky psychopath

 

 **oikawahahaha:** wtf is the ritual

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** sounds like a lot of effort ugh

 

 **kiwinishi:** i relate

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** i shoulda put a stop to this madness

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** n figured out how to get kuroo myself

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Then I could have had a nice, calm Saturday morning with Rintarou

 

 **teradshima:** u guys sound so cute i wish i had a bf

 

 **fruitagucci:** lmao i thought u were straight tho

 

 **teradshima:** actually im running for both sides my fren but my recent experiences wi girls havent been too great so maybe imma take a break from that

 

 **fruitagucci:** s'all cool bro

 

 **ssssuguru:** relatable

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** you literally have a girlfriend daishou

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** here we observe a rare endangered species

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** few and far between, as well as elusive

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** the Volleyballus Playero Heterosexualus

 

 **ssssuguru:** yo straight pride

 

 **puddign_haed:** nah daishou had a crush on kuro for like all of their first year

 

 **ssssuguru:** KENMA

 **ssssuguru:** THESE ARE LIES

 **ssssuguru:** he is mine mORTAL ENEMY

 **ssssuguru:** i dream of SLITHERING INTO HIS HOUSE IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT, KNIFE IN HAND

 

 **puddign_haed:** yeah, for him to fuck you, and you to cut him a slice of the heart-shaped chocolate cake you baked for him afterwards

 

 **ssssuguru:** he likes vanilla cake

 **ssssuguru:** waIT SHIT

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** daishou u played urself

 

 **puddign_haed:** it hurt itself in its confusion!

 

 **ssssuguru:** i’m sorry but i neED TO DO SOMETHING VERY VERY IMPORTANT BE BACK NEVER

 

 **kiwinishi:** what even was the point of this again

 

 **Shark:** Goodness, Kawanishi, thank you for reminding me

 **Shark:** Seeing as Bokuto-san is still fairly in shock from this chat being created and a major emotional secret being spilled,

 **Shark:** Why don't we move on to the second point

 **Shark:** We could all use some more social interaction

 **Shark:** Let us get to know each other better

 

 **lilyama:** see i tell tsukki this all the time.. HE HAS NO EFFIN FRIENDS EXCEPT FOR LIKE, ME

 **lilyama:** n maybe kuroo idk whats goin on wi dat fucker

 

 **koushit:** yamaguchi tadashi, what have i said about using that word

 

 **lilyama:** ur name is literally koushit i refuse to listen to this bs

 

 **fruitagucci:** woah woah u kiss ur mother with that mouth??

 

 **lilyama:** no

 **lilyama:** i suck my daddy's dick

 

 **teradshima:** nice

 

 **fruitagucci:** i cannot believe

 **fruitagucci:** i thought u were the shyest, most vanilla first year at karasuno

 

 **lilyama:** tsukki calls me his little kinkmonster

 

 **settersrc00l:** unfortunately i can confirm this

 

 **koushit:** i will be having a severe conversation with the two of you on monday

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** suga we've all seen the bites and bruises you and daichi leave on each other

 

 **koushit:** yeah but

 **koushit:** okay

 **koushit:** i admit you got me at a loss for comebacks

 

 **kiwinishi:** nowhere near as bad as tendou and ushijima

 **kiwinishi:** *shudder*

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** u called ~~

 

 **mooshijima:** Just so you all know, it's Tendou who bites, not me

 

 **kiwinishi:** why tf do both of you show up with purple spots then

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** the bf has very strong fingers

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** hes a beast

 

 **mooshijima:** Perhaps, but I'm your beast

 

 **lilyama:** nice

 

 **teradshima:** who woulda thought

 

 **fruitagucci:** i cannot unsee this

 

 **puddign_haed:** pls delete me from existence

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** ok ew

 

 **koushit:** uhm don't corrupt my kouhai further

 

 **foxyyboi:** mMm KiNkY ;)))

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Atsumu I swear to God

 

 **mooshijima:** I fail to see the problem with discussing our sex life

 

 **kiwinishi:** yeah so newsflash.. i hate my life

 

 **oikawahahaha:** so do i

 **oikawahahaha:** i am disgusted that a hideous brute such as ushiwaka has a serious relationship and sex on a regular basis and an angel like me can't even get a one night stand

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** i made the mistake of coming back here and am now traumatized

 

 **Shark:** Guess we can do introductions another time

 **Shark:** When we’re all a little less scarred

 

 **oikawahahaha:** well i am still and will always be mad at ushiwaka for having a bf, no matter how weird or horrifying either of them may be

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** woww r00d

 

 **oikawahahaha:** and iwachan~

 **oikawahahaha:** why won’t you looooove me~~

 

 **aobajousaiace:** it's cause you're a piece of shit

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** ohhhhhhh


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawahahaha: anyways kindaichi is now officially my fav kouhai
> 
> kunahmi_nahkira: i never really gave a shit in the first place so ayyye congrats kindaichi
> 
> settersrc00l: i stopped caring about oikawa after he tried to punch me when i was in middle school
> 
> oikawahahaha: uh wow r00d
> 
> settersrc00l: how tf is that ruder than you tryna deck an innocent 12 yr old in the face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come yell at me on tumblr @puffin-socks seeing as i have no friends and constantly need validation

_Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers were here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[11:41 am]

 

 **Shark:** I think we’ve all had a sufficient amount of time to calm down

 **Shark:** Shall we begin the introductions?

 **Shark:** My name is Akaashi Keiji, I’m in second year, and I play setter at Fukurodani Academy

 **Shark:** A random fact about me is that I once had a nose piercing but coach made me take it out because it was ‘dangerous’ on a volleyball court.

 

 **fruitagucci:** weird they let yuuji keep his tongue piercing

 **fruitagucci:** wait i think i’ve heard of you

 **fruitagucci:** are you that rlly pretty dude wi the black hair n greenyblue eyes

 

 **puddign_haed:** ye that’s him

 **puddign_haed:** i’ll go next ig, i’m kozume kenma, 2nd year, setter at nekoma high school

 **puddign_haed:** interesting fact is that Leg and Mohawk are so fuckin annoying im

 

 **teradshima:** lmao who

 

 **lilyama:** his teammates Lev n Yamamoto

 **lilyama:** i’m yamaguchi tadashi, 1st year, pinch server @karasuno

 **lilyama:** n i love big hero 6

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** ah so that’s where the name’s from right

 

 **fruitagucci:** futakuchi kenji, 2nd year captain n ace of date tech high school

 **fruitagucci:** did u know that terushima is cute and awesome n i love him- interesting fact

 

 **teradshima:** awwww dude

 

 **kiwinishi:** gross

 

 **fruitagucci:** fuck off shiratorizawa

 

 **teradshima:** aight so i’m terushima yuuji n i am the captain of johzenji

 **teradshima:** cool fact: we got the BEST PARTIES

 

 **fruitagucci:** ye hang out wi the johzenji bois for LIT TIMESSS

 

 **teradshima:** oh yeah kenji i forgot

 **teradshima:** movie @ my house tonite?? BRING UR OWN BOOZE

 

 **koushit:** UM EXCUSE ME BUT YOU ARE SECOND YEARS YOU MOST DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT BE DRINKING

 

 **fruitagucci:** s’ an inside joke ms. crow mom,, means i gotta bring my own lemonade bc dis boy only ever buys CRANBERRY JUICE n its FUCKIN DISGUSTING

 

 **teradshima:** yeah but ya love my company so ;)

 

 **fruitagucci:** that i do, yuuji ;)

 

 **teradshima:** it’s gonna be iron man 1  & 2 back to back okay

 

 **fruitagucci:** ur such a nerd ily

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** are you two dating

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** bc that is too much

 

 **fruitagucci:** nah we’re just Bros

 

 **teradshima:** ye we’re p tight but it ain’t a dating thing

 

 **aobajousaiace:** it’s hanamaki and matsukawa all over again

 **aobajousaiace:** iwaizumi hajime, 3rd year ace and vice captain of seijoh

 **aobajousaiace:** uh i don’t really have any interesting facts so

 

 **oikawahahaha:** OOH MY TURN

 **oikawahahaha:** yoohoo~~ oikawa tooru here, 3rd year setter and captain of seijoh

 **oikawahahaha:** fun fact about me: i’m Beautiful

 

 **kindaichi_y:** oikawa-san we already know that, i’m sure there are lots of other interesting things about you too!

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** yeah keep telling yourself that

 

 **oikawahahaha:** anyways kindaichi is now officially my fav kouhai

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** i never really gave a shit in the first place so ayyye congrats kindaichi

 

 **settersrc00l:** i stopped caring about oikawa after he tried to punch me when i was in middle school

 

 **oikawahahaha:** uh wow r00d

 

 **settersrc00l:** how tf is that ruder than you tryna deck an innocent 12 yr old in the face

 

 **aobajousaiace:** well for those of you who didn’t already know how much of a bitch oikawa is

 

 **mooshijima:** He is a very skilled volleyball player with high respect for his teammates, with strong offensive setting, powerful serves, and good tactical thinking, so I suppose we can overlook the bitch thing slightly.

 

 **oikawahahaha:** iwachan so mean

 

 **settersrc00l:** and of course he ignores ushiwaka’s compliment

 

 **Shark:** Can we at least get the introductions done before descending into chaos

 

 **mooshijima:** We might face some difficulty with that

 **mooshijima:** Anyways, I am Ushijima Wakatoshi, 3rd year captain and spiker of Shiratorizawa Academy.

 **mooshijima:** Did you know that apples are 25% air and that is why they float on water

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** tendou satori, guess monster, blocker n all-around cool dude from shiratorizawa

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** fun fact: wakatoshi is DADDY during sex but really soft n sleepy n cute after i love him

 

 **kiwinishi:** i'm kawanishi taichi, 2nd year blocker, shiratorizawa academy and i hate my senpai and everything they stand for

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** i relate and i pity you

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** miyagi sounds so ghetto i’m glad i live in tokyo

 **kuguri_nohebi:** i’m kuguri and i play first year spiker at nohebi academy; i ain’t a regular tho

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** ur the dude with the bedhead right

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** yeah

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** k this cracks me up but u actually look a lot like our poor suffering kawanishi here

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** is that a good thing or

 

 **kiwinishi:** i have no idea but it’s good to know i’m not alone in my hair struggles

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** ur pretty cute kawanishi but ya ain’t my type

 

 **kiwinishi:** um thanks

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** thanks too?

 

 **oikawahahaha:** ur fuckin gay kunimi

 

 **kunahmi_nahkira:** like iwaizumi-san said i learned it from u

 

 **Shark:** I want everyone to finish introductions so I can edit and recreate stupid names

 **Shark:** Which leads into our second rule: everyone has to have a stupid name.

 **Shark:** Now, you can choose it yourself or I can do it for you.

 

 _[_ _kunahmi_nahkira_ _has changed his name to_ _yeah nope_ _]_

 _[_ _kuguri_nohebi_ _has changed his name to_ _bedhead_ _]_

 _[_ _oikawahahaha_ _has changed his name to_ _nasa nerd_ _]_

 

 **Shark:** Good

 

 _[_ _fruitagucci_ _has changed his name to_ _yuuji’s bitch_ _]_

 

 **teradshima:** nice one

 

 _[_ _teradshima_ _has changed his name to_ _kenji’s hoe_ _]_

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** nice one

 

 **aobajousaiace:** matsuhana 2.0 i’m not even lying

 

 _[ oikawahahaha _ _has changed_ _aobajousaiace_ _’s name to_ _godzilla_ _]_

 

 **Shark:** Bokuto-san

 **Shark:** Where are you

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** yeah u should b around more often

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** this chats about u, after all

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** hahhh? i just went shopping wi kuroo for shoes n we just got back

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** ayy bokuto get some

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** hes too cute tho i cant he talked abt neko atsume the entire time n bought his, like, fourth pair of vans

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** i feel like shit tho our friendship is really important to me and i really want to kiss him all the goddamn time but i dont wanna ruin what we have already for that

 

 **settersrc00l:** yeah i know the feeling

 

 **foxyyboi:** ohoho does tobio-kun have feelings for a certain someone

 

 **nasa nerd:** does tobio-chan wanna kiss a special little chibi-chan

 

 **settersrc00l:** fuck off, both of you

 

 **koushit:** kageyama, don’t use that sort of language please

 

 **lilyama:** MOOOOM

 

 **settersrc00l:** MOOOOM

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** DADDY

 

 **mooshijima:** Yes?

 

 **kiwinishi:** i’m screaming i hate my existence just delete me please

 

 _[_ _settersrc00l_ _has changed_ _kiwinishi_ _’s name to_ _suffering pls save me_ _]_

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** oh right akaaashi who is fukurodanis mom

 

 **Shark:** We take turns mothering you, the single son of our team

 

 **ssssuguru:** #BokutoKoutarouIsAChildConfirmed2k17

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** daishou i will smother u in ur sleep

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** only one of us can have kuroo

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** n its gonna be me

 

 **ssssuguru:** psssh i’m over that shit he’s all yours

 **ssssuguru:** i’m happy with mika

 

 **puddign_haed:** aha so you admit it

 

 **bedhead:** daishou i cannot believe

 

 **ssssuguru:** no, seriously bokuto, i might not have feelings for him anymore but i still want him to be happy n i know that’s something you do

 **ssssuguru:** so go and make him happy, the way mika makes me happy

 

 **bedhead:** whoa whoa who the fuck are you and what have you done with my captain

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** daishou suguru

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** that was beautiful thank u

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** can we all take a moment to appreciate this beautiful snake

 

 _[_ _WisdomOfTheAce_ _has changed_ _ssssuguru_ _’s name to_ _beauty and grace_ _]_

 

 **beauty and grace:** thanks bokuto!! and you got this! go get em tiger

 

 **bedhead:** daishou are you quite alright

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** i feel an urge to find him rn n give him the biggest bear hug bc hes so sweet n deserves it

 

 **beauty and grace:** i’ll accept an online hug, i wouldn’t want to inconvenience you

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** *gives big, warm, soft hug*

 

 **beauty and grace:** *accepts big, warm, soft hug*

 

 **yeah nope:** urgh mushy mushy

 

 **suffering pls save me:** that was sickening

 

 **kindaichi_y:** kunimi !!! don’t be so rude

 

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** yeah u too taichi no wonder youve never gotten laid

 

 **kiwinishi:** it’s cause i’m fucking aroace ya overgrown assmushroom

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** ohhhhhh

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** buuuuurn

 

 _[_ _mooshijima_ _has changed_ _yourangleoryuordevil_ _’s name to_ _overgrown assmushroom_ _]_

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** wakATOSHI

 

* * *

 

 _Direct Message:_ _tetsurhoe_ _and_ _artichoke_

[ 1:19 pm ]

 

 **Mikasa:** yaku

 **Mikasa:** yaku

 **Mikasa:** yaKU

 

 **Molten:** calm ur tits

 

 **Mikasa:** good ur here

 

 **Molten:** istg if this is about bokuto again

 

 **Mikasa:** anyways this is about bokuto again

 

 **Molten:** can u,, like,, talk to kai or somebody why it is always me

 

 **Mikasa:** bc i trust u

 

 **Molten:** wow so u dont trust the rest of the team

 

 **Mikasa:** i diDNT SAY THAT

 **Mikasa:** S JUST THAT UR EASY TO TALK TO AND WE FRENS

 **Mikasa:** BUT IF U DONT APPRECIATE TAHT

 

 **Molten:** okay so chillax

 **Molten:** what happened now

 

 **Mikasa:** hes hanging out with akaashi

 

 **Molten:** so

 **Molten:** u went shopping with bokuto this morning

 **Molten:** besides theyre besties

 

 **Mikasa:** s not that

 **Mikasa:** from what ive seen on akaashis snap story, he didnt,,, stYLE HIS HAIR AGAIN TODAY

 **Mikasa:** HES GOT THE CUTEST FUCKIGN MESSY BANGS N HES WEARING THiS

 **Mikasa:** TIGHT WET WHITE SHIRT

 **Mikasa:** MUSTA JUST GOTTEN OUTTA THE SHOWER

 **Mikasa:** DOES THE UNIVERSE WANT ME TO COMBUST

 

 **Molten:** yes but thats unrelated

 

 **Mikasa:** N I CANT BE JEALOUS OF AKAASHI BC HES A CHILL DUDE N HES LITERALY BOS BEST FRIEND BUT

 **Mikasa:** HEMS RLLY PRETTY N SO IS BO N I CANT HELP BUT THINK

 **Mikasa:** THEYD JSUT MAKE THE PRETTIEST COUPLE N WHAT IF THEY DECIDE TO GO OUT

 

 **Molten:** bc of their ‘mutual prettiness’

 

 **Mikasa:** EXACTLY

 

 **Molten:** id say that the stupidest thing ive ever heard but it aint a surprise since its coming from u

 

 **Mikasa:** u know what ur right ur no help at all

 **Mikasa:** im makin a groupchat

 **Mikasa:** of helpful people WHO CARE ABT MY PROBLEMS

 

 **Molten:** good u can leave me out of it

 

 _[_ _tetsurhoe_ _has added_ _daichisawamura_ _,_ _INUOKA_SOU_ _,_ _KaiNobuyuki_ _,_ _littlegiant2.0_ _,_ _NekomasAce11_ _,_ _noitslikefirefly_ _,_ _punmaster_ _and_ _tackytora_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **artichoke:** kuroo i swear to god

 

 **NekomasAce11:** hello yaku-san!!!

 

 **artichoke:** hnnnnn

 

 **punmaster:** huehuehuehue

 

 **artichoke:** fukunaga

 **artichoke:** go to ur room

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** YES HELLO I AM HERE

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** HI INUOKA ITS ME!!

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** HI SHOUYOU!! YOU’RE HERE TOO?

 

 **NekomasAce11:** HELLO HINATA!

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** HI LEV!!!

 

 **KaiNobuyuki:** Please stop yelling, children

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** kuroo wtaf is this

 

 **tetsurhoe:** tsukki send help i am gay

 

 **daichisawamura:** yeah so nothing new

 

* * *

 

 

 _Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[ 1:26 pm ]

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Sorry I’m late I was doing things

 

 **SunaRathaThanLata:** I’m things

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** ayye suna get some

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** ayye osamu get some

 

 **SunaRathaThanLata:**  Kidding we were only doing Just Dance

 

 **lilyama:** pity

 

 **foxyyboi:** ^ they wouldn’t dare

 **foxyyboi:** i’m in the house

 **foxyyboi:** i make the rules n i declare it hereby illegal for my brother to have sex within 100 meters of me

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Guess I’d better turn myself in to the police

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Rintarou you coming?

 

 **SunaRathaThanLata:** Just a sec honey

 

 _[_ _SunaRathaThanLata_ _has changed his name to_ _also gettin real tired of foxyyboi_ _]_

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** K let’s go

 

 **suffering pls save me:** damn

 

 **bedhead:** savage

 

 **foxyyboi:** …

 **foxyyboi:** samu

 **foxyyboi:** do you mean to tell me

 **foxyyboi:** you n suna have done the do in my presence

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Well

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** We thought it’d be rude, you know

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** To kick you out of the house for something so trivial

 

 **foxyyboi:** HWAT THE FCUK YUO DIDWH AT

 **foxyyboi:** I A M DISGUTEDS

 **foxyyboi:** I

 **foxyyboi:** AJSAGDASIEEURBDDJA

 

 **lilyama:** get rekt, atsumu

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** yall know what else is gettin rekt

 **overgrown assmushroom:** my ass tonight

 **overgrown assmushroom:** aint that right wakatoshi-kun~~~

 

 **suffering pls save me:** HHHNNNNNKKKSS

 

_[ kiwinishi _ _has left the conversation ]_

 

 **Shark:** What did I say

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** nobody leaves?

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** lmao rest in pieces kawanishi

 

 _[_ _Shark_ _has added_ _kiwinishi_ _to the chat]_

 

 **kiwinishi:** i hate you all

 

 _[_ _Shark_ _has changed_ _kiwinishi_ _’s name to_ _i dont deserve this_ _]_

 

 **lilyama:** bitch yall know what

 **lilyama:** this is the best motherfuckin shithole of a groupchat i ave ever had the pleasure to be added to

 **lilyama:** i fucking love you assbags

 

 **koushit:** yamaguchi tadashi

 **koushit:** you are fucking grounded for using such language

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** suga

 

 **koushit:** you shut your whore mouth ennoshita and let mom finish his speech

 

 **settersrc00l:** mom

 

 **koushit:** YOU TOO KAGEYAMA

 **koushit:**  tadashi never did i ever expect such behaviour from you

 **koushit:** i raised you to be better than this

 **koushit:** don’t ever disgrace our family again

 

 **lilyama:** but mooooom

 

 **koushit:** AM I UNDERSTOOD

 

 **lilyama:** yes mother

 

 **koushit:** NOW GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND DON’T COME BACK FOR THE REST OF THE DAY

 **koushit:** i’m sorry everyone but i needed to discipline my son

 **koushit:** daichi’s calling me i have to go

 **koushit:** bye~~ (ノ◕◡◕)ノ・ﾟ✧*

 

**chikara_karasuno:**

 

**kenji’s hoe:**

 

**foxyyboi:**

 

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:**

 

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:**

 

**yuuji’s bitch:**

 

**bedhead:**

 

**sasuke_kiyoomi:**

 

**Shark:**

 

**puddign_haed:**

 

 **settersrc00l:**  i apologize for suga

 

 **i don’t deserve this:** i don't even know how to feel 

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** … yikes

 

 **mooshijima:** Did we all come online to watch Yamaguchi get told off?

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:**  looks like it :/

 

 **kindaichi_y:** oikawa-san i’m scared

 

 **nasa nerd:** me too iwachan will u hold me

 

 **godzilla:** no

 

 **yeah nope:** rest in pieces oikawa

 

 **beauty and grace:** …

 **beauty and grace:** …

 **beauty and grace:** …

 **beauty and grace:** … hey

 **beauty and grace:** it’s september and you know what that means

 **beauty and grace:** s time 2 GET SPOOPY

 **beauty and grace:** [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4IC7qaNr7I ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4IC7qaNr7I)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> littlegiant2.0: BUT DAICHI-SAN I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR SON  
> littlegiant2.0: SUGA-SAN SAID THAT YOU TWO WERE MY PARENTS
> 
> punmaster: daichi is #exposed
> 
> the dad friend: okay yeah i admit it  
> the dad friend: but at least,,  
> the dad friend: my children are growing up with two responsible parents
> 
> tackytora: WHOOOOOOT DAICHI
> 
> artichoke: ye being the only responsible parent s indeed a great and terrible burden
> 
> tetsurhoe: anD I doNT DESErvE tHIs  
> tetsurhoe: I JSUT WANT A BF OKAY
> 
> noitslikefirefly: well no shit of course i thought this chat existed to debate the existence of the chupacabra
> 
> tetsurhoe: SHUT UP TSUKKI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> actual good content? nah
> 
> crack and laughter? yes

_Group Conversation:_ _artichoke_ _,_ _daichisawamura_ _,_ _INUOKA_SOU_ _,_ _KaiNobuyuki_ _,_ _littlegiant2.0_ _,_ _NekomasAce11_ _,_ _noitslikefirefly_ _,_ _punmaster_ _,_ _tackytora_ _and_ _tetsurhoe_

[9:48 pm]

 

 **daichisawamura:** we are gathered here on this fateful day

 **daichisawamura:** to help our dear nuisance, kuroo tetsurou

 **daichisawamura:** get a certain owlish someone to be his boyfriend

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** not that i can see this working out exactly

 

 **daichisawamura:** ^ good point

 **daichisawamura:** we are gathered here today to help kuroo keep it in his pants

 

 **tetsurhoe:** oi

 **tetsurhoe:** i can keep my thirst under control v well thx

 

 **daichisawamura:** your name is literally tetsurhoe son

 

 **tackytora:** ‘son’

 

_[ KaiNobuyuki has changed daichisawamura’s name to the dad friend] _

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** KUROO WHAT DOES ‘KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS’ MEAN

 

 **the dad friend:** no

 

 **punmaster:** well you see, when mommy and daddy love each other very much

 

 **tetsurhoe:** i wanna date bokuto, inouka

 **tetsurhoe:** n then i wanna take it a lot further thn coffeeshops n popcorn

 **tetsurhoe:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) if u kno ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) what i mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** gayyyyyy :)

 

 **tetsurhoe:** says the one with the boyfriend :)

 

 **artichoke:** kuroo y r u corrupting ur kouhai

 

 **INOUKA_SOU:** OH OKAY EWWW

 

 **NekomasAce11:** GROSS GROSS KUROO-SAN WHY WOULD YOU TELL US THIS

 

 **the dad friend:** honestly kuroo you’re such an irresponsible captain

 **the dad friend:** your job is to maintain the innocence of your children

 

 **tackytora:** ‘children’

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** wow you failed in your job dadchi

 

 **the dad friend:** i meant kouhai okay CHILL

 **the dad friend:** you were already overly horny and kinky, tsukishima, that ain’t my fault

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** tru

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** TSUKISHIMA I AM CHOOSING TO IGNORE THAT

 **littlegiant2.0:** BUT DAICHI-SAN I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR SON

 **littlegiant2.0:** SUGA-SAN SAID THAT YOU TWO WERE MY PARENTS

 

 **punmaster:** daichi is #exposed

 

 **the dad friend:** okay yeah i admit it

 **the dad friend:** but at least,,

 **the dad friend:** my children are growing up with two responsible parents

 

 **tackytora:** WHOOOOOOT DAICHI

 

 **artichoke:** ye being the only responsible parent s indeed a great and terrible burden

 

 **tetsurhoe:** anD I doNT DESErvE tHIs

 **tetsurhoe:** I JSUT WANT A BF OKAY

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** well no shit of course i thought this chat existed to debate the existence of the chupacabra

 

 **tetsurhoe:** SHUT UP TSUKKI

 

 **NekomasAce11:** but daichi-san!!! I DON’T GET IT

 **NekomasAce11:** suga-san is a guy right???

 **NekomasAce11:** WHY IS HE A MOM

 **NekomasAce11:** IS HE NOT A BOY??

 **NekomasAce11:** I AM CONFUSED

 

 **the dad friend:** it’s just kind of a team joke but yes he is a boy.. at least physically i can tell you that firsthand

 

 **tetsurhoe:** AYYE DAICHI GET SOME

 **tetsurhoe:** now u rlly gotta help me get some too

 **tetsurhoe:** hey actually whats it like to get dick

 

 **the dad friend:** weird at first i guess then you get used to it and it’s really hot

 **the dad friend:** idk i only bottomed like twice though mostly it’s suga who gets dick

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** DAICHI WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THAT !!

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** lmao you couldn’t tell

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** SHUT UP TSUKKI

 

 **INOUKA_SOU:** I’M SORRY SHOUYOU THIS NEVER HAPPENS ON MY TEAM USUALLY

 

 **NekomasAce11:** oh I GET IT NOW THANK YOU !!

 **NekomasAce11:** wait actUALLY NO THANK YOU THAT WAS TOO MUCH INFORMATION

 

_[ tetsurhoe has changed daichisawamura’s name to the daddy friend] _

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** YUCK YUCK GROOOOSS

 

 **tackytora:** i swear i wasn’t this yell-y when i was a first year

 **tackytora:** or this much of a prude

 

 **punmaster:** um yes you were

 

 **tackytora:** which part

 

 **artichoke:** n the answer is yes

 

 **tetsurhoe:** yes

 **tetsurhoe:** yes both

 

 **tackytora:** uh no i wasn’t

 

 **KaiNobuyuki:** Hello Senpai #3 is here to confirm that, yes, indeed, the answer is both

 

 **NekomasAce11:** WAIT DOES THAT MEAN YAKU IS MY MOM

 

 **artichoke:** um

 

 **NekomasAce11:** YAKU CAN I CALL YOU MOM THEN

 

 **artichoke:** um

 

 **punmaster:** kinky

 

 **artichoke:** FUKUNAGA SHOUHEI GO TO UR ROOM THIS SECOND R SO HELP ME

 

 **INOUKA_SOU:** YAKU-SENPAI REALLY IS A MOM!!

 

 **NekomasAce11:** AWW YAKU-SAN

 **NekomasAce11:** also dads tend to be talker than moms right?? SO YAKU-SAN’S HEIGHT FITS PERFECTLY AS WELL!!!!

 

 **artichoke:** LEEEEEEEV

 

 **tetsurhoe:** *siren noises*

 

 **tackytora:** lev get ready to be fucked uppp

 

 **KaiNobuyuki:** R.I.P. Haiba Lev 2k17

 

_[ noitslikefirefly has changed artichoke’s name to don’t screw with me] _

 

_[ tackytora has changed NekomasAce11’s name to tol deceased stupid] _

 

 **tetsurhoe** : nice

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** I’M SO GLAD I DON’T HAVE A SCARY MOM

 

 **the dad friend:** hinata are we talking about the same suga

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** damn you’re super oblivious aren’t ya

 

 **the daddy friend:** tsukishima don’t be rude

 **the daddy friend:** son

 **the daddy friend:** he’s the scariest guy on karasuno, easy

 

 **tetsurhoe:** we have confirmation that sugawara koushi is a power bottom

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** KUROO-SAN WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

 

* * *

 

 _Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[ 10:14 pm]

 

 **bedhead:** g

 **bedhead:** hi

 **bedhead:** uh ignore that that was a typo

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** g

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** as in

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** g note

 

 **bedhead:** wait no

 

 **i don’t deserve this:** AGH SHIT

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** *deep breath in*

 **yuuji’s bitch:** WHEEEEEN I WAS

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** A YOUNG BOY

 

 **yeah nope:** i thought i had escaped it but no

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** MY FATHER

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** TOOK MEEEEE INTO THE CITY

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** TO SEE A MARCHING BAND

 **yuuji’s bitch:** HE SAAAAID ‘SON WHEN

 

 **godzilla:** fuck

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** YOU GROW UP

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** WILL YOU BE

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** THE SAAAAAVIOUR OF THE BROKEN

 

 **foxyyboi:** why

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** THE BEEEEATEN AND THE DAMNED’

 

 **nasa nerd:** asdsadasAJASHJDASHJDGGA NOOO

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** HE SAID ‘WILL YOU

 **kenji’s hoe:** DEFEAT THEM

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** YOUR DEEEEMONS

 **yuuji’s bitch:** AND ALLLLLLL THE NONBELIEVERS

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** THE PLANS THAT THEY HAVE MAAAAADE

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** BECAUSE ONE DAY

 

 **puddign_haed:** ugh

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** I’LL LEEEEAVE YOU

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** A PHANTOM

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** what the

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** TO LEEEEAD YOU IN THE SUMMERRRR

 

 **koushit:** ALRIGHT SHUT THE FUCK UP

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** yessir scary-crow-mom-san

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** what my bae said scary-crow-mom-san

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** we’ll carry on... another time scary-crow-mom-san

 

 **koushit:** good

 

 _[_ _Shark_ _has changed_ _koushit_ _’s name to_ _scary-crow-mom-san_ _]_

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** i like it

 

 **kindaichi_y:** um i don’t get it?

 

 **i don’t deserve this:** its from like the most emo song ever

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** eita has it on repeat all the fuckin time

 

 **mooshijima:** …

 **mooshijima:** ♬ TO JOIN THE BLACK PARADE ♬

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** WAKATOSHI

 

 **mooshijima:** I’m sorry

 **mooshijima:** They didn’t finish the verse

 

 **i don’t deserve this:** i already have one scene senpai i don’t need my captain to be as well

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** … scenepai?

 

 **i don’t deserve this:** GET OUT

 

 **mooshijima:** Speaking of Semi

 

 **i don’t deserve this:** hELL NO

 

 _[_ _mooshijima_ _has added_ _snemismeita_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **i don’t deserve this:** i am taking a break see you all tomorrow if ever again

 

 **nasa nerd:** rude

 

 **snemismeita:** the fuck’s this

 

 **mooshijima:** It’s a group chat created to aid Bokuto Koutarou in his quest to win Kuroo Tetsurou’s heart

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** hnnnn

 

 **snemismeita:** … sounds vv romantic n all but idfk who those people are i'm shit with names

 **snemismeita:** also why me

 

 **bedhead:** some dudes were singing welcome to the black parade and apparently that reminded ushijima of you so he added you

 

 **snemismeita:** oh

 **snemismeita:** MCR

 **snemismeita:** MY LOVES

 **snemismeita:** WHEN I WAS

 

 **Shark:** Okay, you can cut it off there

 **Shark:** We already went through this once today

 

 **snemismeita:** WHO ART THOU, MY EMO BRETHREN

 

 **yeah nope:** futakuchi and terushima apparently

 

 **snemismeita:** as in dateko captain and johzenji captain?

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** ye

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** dat’s us

 

 **snemismeita:** nice

 **snemismeita:** wouldn’ta pegged em but nice

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** are you kidding futakuchi has the most emo bangs i have ever had the displeasure of setting my eyes on

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** w0w r00d much

 

 **snemismeita:** tru

 **snemismeita:** i was gettin a basic fuckboy vibe from terushima tho

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** w0w r00d much

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** sorry honey but u do kinda project

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** its the tongue piercing innit

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** ye

 **yuuji’s bitch:** don’t worry dude its rlly fuckin hot

 **yuuji’s bitch:** like i bet its great for kissing

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** idk i haven’t rlly kissed anyone since i got pierced

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** my parents aren’t home why don’t ya come on over then darling

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** already on my way sweetcheeks

 **kenji’s hoe:** gotta warn you though i’m in the mood for a little more than just kissing ;)

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** what a coincidence so am i ;)

 

 **yeah nope:** ew

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** alright imma bring snow white and cinderella n you bring sleeping beauty time for a classics n pizza night

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** sounds great i'll seeya there

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Hey Rintarou

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Do you wanna Disney marathon with me as well?

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Classic Dreamworks for the win

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** But yeah, sure

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Great! I’ll be at your place in fifteen

 

 **foxyyboi:** i fucking hate you two and your perfect domestic relationship and how you can confide in each other so well and your cuddling and kissing and dates and the way you two are somehow more complete together and your adorable instagram posts and your inside jokes IT’S ABSOLUTELY SICKENING

 

 **bedhead:** weewooweewoo salt alert

 

 **snemismeita:** .. great

 

 **godzilla:** well speaking of futakuchi and terushima

 **godzilla:** oikawa

 **godzilla:** can you phone makki and mattsun and just, like,

 **godzilla:** make sure they haven’t died or something

 

 **yeah nope:** please oikawa i’m getting scary matsuhana memelord vibes from them too

 

 **nasa nerd:** i did already unfortunately they are still alive n kicking so now we got two sets of em

 

 **kindaichi_y:** oh no

 

 **snemismeita:** fucking rip babes

 

 **foxyyboi:** did you just

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** mmm waaaaaakatoshi

 **overgrown assmushroom:** will you fuck me ;)

 

 **mooshijima:** Aren’t you at your 9-year-old cousin’s birthday party?

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** yeah but the guest bedroom has a lock and an ensuite bathroom

 

 **mooshijima:** I’ll be there in 10 minutes

 

 **bedhead:** um gross

 

 **nasa nerd:** I HATE AND DESPISE PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

 **foxyyboi:**  WHAT A COINCIDENCE SO DO I

 

 **yeah nope:** i wouldn’t say i hate them but

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** it’s so… unsanitary though

 

 **snemismeita:** weird observation sasuke but i agree with foxyy and nasa there

 

 **puddign_haed:** mhmm could unsingle people just,,

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** … Not™

 

 **beauty and grace:** well i'm sorry my very existence annoys you bokuto

 

 **mooshijima:** But if this chat works out,

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** you'll be one of us

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:**  Sooooon

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:**  Sooooon

 

 **koushit:** soooooooon

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** ... i

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** im not really sure if thats inspirational or creepy

 

 **Shark:** That was also a sentence used to describe me once

 

* * *

 

 _Group Conversation:_ _artichoke_ _,_ _daichisawamura_ _,_ _INUOKA_SOU_ _,_ _KaiNobuyuki_ _,_ _littlegiant2.0_ _,_ _NekomasAce11_ _,_ _noitslikefirefly_ _,_ _punmaster_ _,_ _tackytora_ _and_ _tetsurhoe_

[ 10:36]

 

 **tetsurhoe:** i thibk we need a name

 

 _[_ _punmaster_ _has named the conversation_ _the land where the bong trees grow_ _]_

 

 **tackytora:** wtf does that mean

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** classic poetry you dingus

 

 **tackytora:** i'm sorry do you want to say that to my face

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** i'm 190cm you sure

 

 **tackytora:** time and place buddy

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** can’t be bothered sorry

 

 **tetsurhoe:** NICE KILL

 

 **punmaster:** .. it's edward lear

 **punmaster:** a line from 'the owl and the pussycat'

 **punmaster:** the Wonderful Love Story™

 **punmaster:**  did you know edward lear was also gay

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** OH I GET IT NOW

 

 **tetsurhoe:** nice one fukunaga

 

 **tackytora:** hey if this is a team chat where are kenma and shibayama

 

 **don’t screw with me:** donT U DARE CORRUPT MY PRECIOUS KOUHAI BABY LIBERO

 

 **tetsurhoe:** i dont,,,

 **tetsurhoe:** … trust.. kenma wi this

 **tetsurhoe:** exactly..

 

 **tackytora:** but he’s your best friend ?

 

 **tetsurhoe:** ye but hems super tight wi akaashi

 

 **the daddy friend:** ah true

 

 **punmaster:** so is tsukishima though

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** i’m here bc i actually have a boyfriend and can be used as a spy on bokuto

 **noitslikefirefly:** at least i figure that’s kuroo’s logic

 

 **tetsurhoe:** smth like that

 

 **tackytora:** kinda hard to spy from miyagi

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** exactly

 

 **tetsurhoe:** agh tru

 

 **don’t screw with me:** wow u thought this through dincha

 

 **tetsurhoe:** yes i did

 

 _[_ _tetsurhoe_ _has added_ _idfkonoha_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **idfkonoha:** yoo what’s this

 

 **tackytora:** my captain’s thirsting after your captain

 

 **idfkonoha:** yeah what’s new

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** you have just replaced me as kuroo’s inside man

 

 **idfkonoha:** wtf

 

 **tetsurhoe:** u r to observe his actions n report back to me

 **tetsurhoe:** feed me information abt his love life

 **tetsurhoe:** n feed him stuff that will make him fall in love wi me

 

 **idfkonoha:** are you like 6

 

 **don’t screw with me:** yes

 

 **punmaster:** WOOOOO

 

 **tackytora:** rrrrrrRRRRR

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** ROOOOOOASTED

 

 **the daddy friend:** now now i’m sure you were in a situation like this once tsukishima

 **the daddy friend:** i know i was before i finally asked koushi out

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** yamaguchi just asked me if i wanted to go out with him and i said yeah and that was like

 **noitslikefirefly:** literally it

 

 **tetsurhoe:** not all of us can b u tsukki :)

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** didn’t i ask you to stop calling me that :)

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** WHY ARE YOU USING A HAPPY FACE TO BE ANGRY AT EACH OTHER?!?

 

 **the daddy friend:** it’s called passive aggression son

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** IT’S RUINING HAPPY FACES FOR ME

 **littlegiant2.0:** USE ANGRY FACES AND BE PROPERLY AGGRESSIVE AT EACH OTHER!!

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** I AGREE WITH SHOUYOU

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** you know that all caps is like, the biggest form of aggression there is

 

 **idfkonoha:** … kuroo

 **idfkonoha:** you know that bokuto has the hugest stupidest crush on you right

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** yeah kuroo i can’t believe you didn’t pick up on it

 

 **don’t screw with me:** ur an idiot kuroo

 

 **tetsurhoe:** STAHP TAKIN THE MICKEY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yaku's name is literally artichoke bc i forgot his real name at the time i was planning this but i remembered it was close to artichoke (morisuke? artichoke? i still don't know how that connection was made)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah nope: the really big ones are kuroo x kenma
> 
> puddign_haed: ew gross
> 
> yeah nope: and kuroo x tsukishima
> 
> lilyama: hoLD THE DUCKIE UP IS THAT SCHIST-EATING SON OF A BUILDER AFTER MY MAN  
> lilyama: IS THERE SOMETHING GOING ON THERE I WAS NOT NOTIFIED ABOUT
> 
> yeah nope: not as far as i know and i know a lot
> 
> foxyyboi: “hold the duckie up”
> 
> gettin real tired of foxyyboi: “Schist-eating”
> 
> also gettin real tired of foxyyboi: “Son of a builder”
> 
> snemismeita: see beautiful
> 
> koushit: i had a very stern talking-to with yamaguchi
> 
> mooshijima: … I can see that.
> 
> lilyama: stop making fun of my predicament y’all flipflopping rustbuckets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo send me suggestions
> 
> i'm here on tumblr @puffin-socks or y'all can just put stuff in the comments

_Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[8:15 am]

 

 **yeah nope:** why tf is there so much fanfiction written abt high school volleyball players even

 

 **nasa nerd:** what

 

 **i don’t deserve this:** why and where did you find this

 

 **snemismeita:** aha nice

 

 **yeah nope:** chill dudes i was just tryna find more information about everyone here

 

 **foxyyboi:** creepy

 

 **yeah nope** : hey did you know i came across at least five smutfics about you and oikawa

 

 **foxyyboi:** uh gross,,,, i have standards, you know

 

 **nasa nerd:** EEEEEEEEEW

 **nasa nerd:** ALSO THATS RUDE AND JSYK MY HEART BELONGS TO IWACHAN ANYWAY

 

 **yeah nope:** not your dick apparently

 

 **godzilla:** how about neither one

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** OHHHHH

 

 **beauty and grace:** nice kill nice kill

 

 **yeah nope:** daishou i found a particularly interesting enemies to lovers one about you and kuroo actually

 

 **beauty and grace:** um

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** whOA WOAH WH HE IS MINE

 

 **puddign_haed:** not yet

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** dont be such a downer kenma

 

 **yeah nope:** there is a lot of funny stuff about bokuto and kuroo too

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** …. dm me the links

 

 **foxyyboi:** classic

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Not that this isn’t interesting, or flattering, but

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Why does this stuff exist

 

 **snemismeita:** you three n your matching usernames responding in a row is my favorite thing

 **snemismeita:** and hell if i know

 

 **yeah nope:** wow everybody wants a piece of kuroo

 **yeah nope:** there’s a lot of stuff with him

 **yeah nope:** ig kuroo x bokuto is what we’re aiming for irl?

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** u bet ur ass it is

 

 **yeah nope:** kuroo x daishou is p big

 

 **beauty and grace:** once upon a time, maybe

 

 **yeah nope:** hold up

 **yeah nope:** kuroo x bokuto x daishou

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** uh no thanks sorry daishou

 

 **beauty and grace:** that’s weird ngl

 

 **yeah nope:** also kuroo x oikawa is a big thing?

 

 **nasa nerd:** why meeeee

 

 **godzilla:** well it beats me you’re essentially a landfill in human form

 

 **nasa nerd:** MEAN IWACHAN

 

 **yeah nope:** kuroo x yaku

 

 **koushit:** first off: what the

 

 **nasa nerd:** o right ur like, mom friends right

 

 **yeah nope:**  the really big ones are kuroo x kenma

 

 **puddign_haed:** ew gross

 

 **yeah nope:** and kuroo x tsukishima

 

 **lilyama:** hoLD THE DUCKIE UP IS THAT SCHIST-EATING SON OF A BUILDER AFTER MY MAN

 **lilyama:** IS THERE SOMETHING GOING ON THERE I WAS NOT NOTIFIED ABOUT

 

 **yeah nope:** not as far as i know and i know a lot

 

 **foxyyboi:** “hold the duckie up”

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** “Schist-eating”

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** “Son of a builder”

 

 **snemismeita:** see beautiful

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** i had a very stern talking-to with yamaguchi

 

 **mooshijima:** … I can see that.

 

 **lilyama:** stop making fun of my predicament y’all flipflopping rustbuckets

 

 **snemismeita:** oh i’m so offended!!!1!!11!

 

 **lilyama:** shut it u emo grassgobber

 

 **mooshijima:** This is disproportionately funny

 

 **snemismeita:** .. maybe so maybe so

 

 _[_ _overgrown assmushroom_ _has changed_ _snemismeita_ _’s name to_ _helena_ _]_

 

 **helena:** u know me well salami

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** you know what this name is growing on me

 

 **yeah nope:** there’s a lot of fic of the two of you

 

 **mooshijima:** Well, they used to be an item

 

 **foxyyboi:** wait really

 

 **helena:** friendly exes do exist

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** we were better suited to be friends anyway

 

 **helena:** besides ushijimas probably a loads better bf than i ever was

 

 **nasa nerd:** that aint saying much

 

 **helena:** oh my god stahhhhp

 

 **bedhead:** what even happened between ushijima and oikawa anyway

 

 **foxyyboi:** .. also secret exes?

 

 **nasa nerd:** UHM EWWW NO

 **nasa nerd:** he wanted me to go to his school and i did no such thing bc we are from rIVAL TEAMS

 

 **mooshijima:** The point still stands that you were a setter of a higher caliber than Semi or Shirabu, and I would have liked to play alongside you

 

 **nasa nerd:** look it wasnt ever gonna happen

 

 **helena:** I AM OFFENDED

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** dude u got replaced by shirabu in third year

 

 **helena:** well shirabus good ig but he is a fuckin prick n i hate him

 

 **i don’t deserve this:** hey why don’t i add shirabu to this

 

 **mooshijima:** Is that wise

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** honey no

 

 **helena:** HHHHHNNNNNKKKKK DONT U FCKIN DARE

 

 _[_ _kiwinishi_ _has added_ _Shirabooty_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **lilyama:** pfft

 **lilyama:** ‘Shirabooty’

 

 **Shirabooty:** first of all: fuck off

 **Shirabooty:** second: who are you

 **Shirabooty:** third: who are any of you and why am i here

 

 **i don't deserve this:** twas i, kawanishi, who delivered you here

 

 **Shirabooty:** kawanishi what’s good

 

 **helena:** nothing much i am on my way to murder him

 

 **Shirabooty:** ew why is that deformed thing here

 

 **helena:** look who's talking

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** is there some kind of problem

 

 **Shirabooty:** well if there is it's him not me

 

 **helena:** i wish i gave enough fucks to waste my storage to take a picture of me giving you the finger to send rn but alas i dont

 

 **Shirabooty:** this is rude i am leaving

 

 _[_ _Shirabooty_ _has left the conversation]_

 

 **Shark:** What did I say

 

 _[_ _Shark_ _has added_ _Shirabooty_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **Shark:** Nobody leaves

 

 **Shirabooty:** UGH

 

 **helena:** hate you too :)

 

 **kenji's hoe:** dare i say...

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** ... sexual tension?

 

 **Shirabooty:** ew

 

 **helena:** look he's got a nice ass but pity it's attached to such a shit face :)

 

 **Shirabooty:** well he's got a nice face pity it's attached to such a shit personality :)

 

 **nasa nerd:** this is almost better entertainment than doctor who

 

 **godzilla:** *gasp*

 **godzilla:** than DOCTOR WHO?

 

 **nasa nerd:** i said almost

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** ahh reminds me of our good ol days in first year eh yuuji

 

 **kenji's hoe:** glad we settles our differences bro

 **kenji's hoe:** what kinda life would i be living without you

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** bro

 

 **Shirabooty:** oh god terushima and futakuchi are here too

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** wow i'm offended

 

 **kenji's hoe:** we thought you would at least miss our beautiful personalities

 

 **Shirabooty:** can i please leave

 

 **Shark:** Nope

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** just disable notifs and only come on occasionally like i do

 

 **Shirabooty:** k but it won't be enough

 **Shirabooty:** just kill me

 

 **i don't deserve this:** look at least you weren't here while ushijima and tendou were talking about their sex life

 

 **mooshijima:** I still fail to see the issue with that

 

 **Shirabooty:** i am sorry for your suffering

 **Shirabooty:** but i still hate my life

 

 **settersrc00l:** join the club

 **settersrc00l:** ...

 **settersrc00l:** hinata told me he likes yachi

 **settersrc00l:** and i like yachi as a person too much to be jealous of her now so

 

 **kenji's hoe:** ooh yikes

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** that's rough man

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** i'm so sorry kageyama

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** come over for cookies and tea with me and your father okay? child you need hugs come here come here

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** daichi and i are very good at comforting

 

 **settersrc00l:** thanks mom i'll be there in ten minutes

 **settersrc00l:** do you have ginger shortbread?

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** yes we do

 

 **settersrc00l:** thank you

 

 **foxyyboi:** karasuno's whole family kink is weirding me out honestly but sorry to hear that tobio-kun

 

 **nasa nerd:**  well i on the other hand am glad to hear of your suffering tobio-chan~~

 

 **settersrc00l:** okay seriously could you just fuck off

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** i have had just about enough of your garbage attitude towards my son oikawa would you like me to mess up your face? i am perfectly able and perfectly willing to carry out my threat :)

 

 **godzilla:** don't worry i can do it myself; take care of my kouhai okay? i'm sorry kageyama

 

 **settersrc00l:** thanks iwaizumi-senpai

 

 **yeah nope:**  oh that's awful kageyama

 

 **settersrc00l:** okay i appreciate this and all but can we change the subject?

 

 **helena:** yeah i thin that might be a good idea

 

 **Shirabooty:** ugh i can't believe i have to agree with mr. emo

 

 **helena:** why dont you just crawl under a rock and die

 

 **yeah nope:**  could i

 

 _[_ _kunahmi_nahkira_ _has removed_ _snemismeita_ _from the conversation]_

 

 **Shirabooty:** thank you

 

 **SharK:** Kunimi what did I say

 

 **yeah nope:** just hold the phone k akaashi

 **yeah nope:** i need to know something

 

 **Shark:** … You have five minutes

 

 **yeah nope:**  thanks

 **yeah nope:** anyways shirabu would you go on a date with semi

 

 **Shirabooty:** wtf no

 

 **yeah nope:** are you sure abt that

 

 **Shirabooty:** yes

 

 **yeah nope:** 100% sure

 

 **Shirabooty:** YES

 **Shirabooty:** …

 

 **yeah nope:** mhm

 

 **Shirabooty:** okay

 **Shirabooty:** he's hot ig

 **Shirabooty:** but

 

 **yeah nope:** but what

 

 **Shirabooty:** … okay

 **Shirabooty:** if he asked me out, maybe i'd say yes

 **Shirabooty:** M A Y B E

 

 **yeah nope:** do go on

 

 **Shirabooty:** BUT ONLY IF HE DOES THE ASKING OKAY

 **Shirabooty:** I AM NOT putting myself in an EMBARRASSING SITUATION for a stupid DATE

 

 **yeah nope:** yep called it

 

 **i don't deserve this:** damn how'd you get that outta him

 

 **mooshijima:** Well that explains a lot

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** AHAHAHAHA

 

 **Shirabooty:** SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU

 

 **yeah nope:** alright

 

 _[_ _kunahmi_nahkira_ _has added_ _snemismeita_ _to the conversation]_

 

 _[_ _kunahmi_nahkira_ _has removed_ _Shirabooty_ _from the conversation]_

 

 **yeah nope:**  okay semi

 

 **snemismeita:** why tf did yall boot me

 

 **yeah nope:** semi

 

 **snemismeita:** i cant read anything what happened while i was gone tell me i command it

 

 **yeah nope:** semi

 

 **snemismeita:** WHAT

 

 **yeah nope:** would you go on a date with shirabu

 

 **snemismeita:** uhm FUCK no

 

 **yeah nope:** elaborate

 

 **snemismeita:** he's annoying and i hate him and his hair is the stupidest damn thing i have ever

 

 **yeah nope:** is that so

 

**snemismeita:**

**snemismeita:** ...

 **snemismeita:** okay shirabu is cute ig

 **snemismeita:** IF you ignore his awful hair

 

 **yeah nope:** alright continue

 

 **snemismeita:** but

 **snemismeita:** like

 **snemismeita:** imagine me asking him out though

 **snemismeita:** im shit at romantic gestures

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** We kind of figured

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** We made that inference from your apparent loathing of each other

 

 **snemismeita:** ... want me to continue or

 **snemismeita:** hold up why am i telling you all this

 

 **yeah nope:** go on semi

 **yeah nope:** everyone else shut up

 

 **snemismeita:** its just

 **snemismeita:** i dont wanna do that id fuck up the relationship before it even starts

 **snemismeita:** but if he asked me out i would say yes

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** WHOOOO YA GOT YOURSELF INTO A REAL PICKLE THERE EITA

 

 **snemismeita:** fuck off tendou

 **snemismeita:** ... this was a mistake

 

 _[_ _snemismeita_ _has left the conversation]_

 

 **Shark:** Okay I think I better let them cool off before adding them back

 

 **i don't deserve this:** ... wow

 

 **yeah nope:** are you seeing this

 

 **i don’t deserve this:** fuckin unbelievable

 

 **yeah nope:** i thought so

 

 **bedhead:** holy crap dude are you psychic

 

 **yeah nope:** idk?? i have a sorta skill i guess

 **yeah nope:** i can pick up on emotions pretty well

 

 **Shark:** I’m impressed

 

 **foxyyboi:** i am intimidated

 

 **yeah nope:** the shipper’s sixth sense?

 

 **lilyama:** shiiiiiiit

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** YAMAGUCHI

 

 **lilyama:** SORRY REFLEX

 

―

 

 _Group Conversation:_ _the land where the bong trees grow_

[9:54 am]

 

 **tetsurhoe:** how do i get bokuto to loooove me

 

 **the daddy friend:** okay like just ask him out

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** seriously it’ll work wonders believe it or not

 **noitslikefirefly:** then again it's not like it worked for me so what am i telling you

 

 **tetsurhoe:** could you try… like.. not being sarcastic.. for once

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** yes absolutely sir

 

 **tetsurhoe:** bitch

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** mhmm but you love me anyway

 

 **don’t screw with me:** well what else ru gonna do if u dont ask him on a date

 

 **punmaster:** a paper doll love ritual to bind his heart to your will?

 

 **tetsurhoe:** have you not seen corpse party

 **tetsurhoe:** that is a TERRIBLE idea

 

 **KaiNobuyuki:** Kuroo I told you not to watch that

 

 **tetsurhoe:** the plot was good tbh but the gore was wayyyy too extra

 

 **tackytora:** well we know bokuto is gay right

 

 **don’t screw with me:** look spending time around a guy who looks like akaashi keiji is enough to turn anyone gay

 **don’t screw with me:** what girls can even compare to that dude

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** hold up do you like akaashi

 

 **don’t screw with me:**  no i was making a point

 **don’t screw with me:** besides he aint my type

 

 **idfkonoha:** are you implying all of fukurodani is gay

 

 **don’t screw with me:** im not implying im stating

 **don't screw with me:** we all know ur all gay

 

 **idfkonoha:** okay ya got me there

 

 **tackytora:** what should kuroo do then

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** BRING HIM FLOWERS AND COFFEE

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** THAT’S CUTE!! OOH HOW ABOUT A TEDDY BEAR???

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** GIVE HIM A LOT OF HUGS

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** COMPLIMENT HIM!!!

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** PLAY VOLLEYBALL WITH HIM!!! VOLLEYBALL WILL DEFINITELY WORK OKAY

 

 **tetsurhoe:** y r the firstyears here theyre fckin useless

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** RUDE

 

 **idfkonoha:** ..

 **idfkonoha:** dick pic

 

 **tetsurhoe:** uh

 

 **idfkonoha:** it’ll definitely work okay bokuto is a thirsty boy

 

 **tetsurhoe:** …

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** actually i second this

 **noitslikefirefly:** i think it’ll work especially since neither of you are romantic at all

 

 **don’t screw with me:** well worth a try ig

 

 **the daddy friend:** hmmm

 **the daddy friend:** snapchat tho just in case

 **the daddy friend:** make sure the lighting is good and maybe artfully mess up the blankets or something

 **the daddy friend:** no longer than 5 seconds okay

 

 **tetsurhoe:** okay

 **tetsurhoe:** ONLY BC I TRUST DAICHIS JUDGEMNT

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** rude

 

 **punmaster:** it’s warranted

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** thanks manekineko that means a lot to me :)

 

 **tackytora:** tsukishima should not be allowed to use that face anymore it's scary

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** i do what i want okay :)

 

 _[_ _KaiNobuyuki_ _has changed_ _punmaster_ _’s name to_ _manekinekoma_ _]_

 

 **tetsurhoe:** okay

 **tetsurhoe:** wish me luck

 

* * *

 

 _Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[10:06 am]

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** KUROO JSUT SENT ME A DIKC PIC WHAAT DO I DP

 

* * *

 

 _Group Conversation:_ _the land where the bong trees grow_

[10:07 am]

 

 **tetsurhoe:** BOKUTO SSCREENSHOTED IT HWAT TE FUCK D O I DO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am not referring to any particular fics in this chapter or even ao3; just trying for a little funny
> 
> to be fair i have never received a dick pic, nor as a queer girl do i EVER wish to receive one so i don't even know what i'm doing here n i hope the reactions are appropriate
> 
> i have heard myths of the Shipper's Sixth Sense and wish i possessed it as well (and poor kunimi the Shipper's Sixth Sense works on everyone except the boy he likes)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [lilyama has added snemismeita and Shirabooty to the conversation]
> 
> snemismeita: yall better not say any fuckin thing or so help me
> 
> Shirabooty: i don't know what he's talking about but the same thing goes for me about the Thing
> 
> Shark: This is ridiculous
> 
> sasuke_kiyoomi: i read through everything i missed and it was a wild ride
> 
> yuuji's bitch: oh ffs
> 
> kenji's hoe: we have to do something
> 
> [InarizakiMiya has named the conversation this is an intervention]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ships are happening? yes
> 
> fluff? yes
> 
> crack? a little
> 
> a rarepair? absolutely

_Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[10:08 am]

 

 **lilyama:** AHAHAHA NICE NICE

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** I SCRENSHOTTED IM AN FCKIN IDIOT KIL L ME

 

 **Shark:** I thought you wanted one

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** YEAH WELL IM EATIN MY WRODS AKAAASHI I DONT KNO WHAT THIS MWENS N TS TORTURIG ME TORTUEING I TELL U

 

 **foxyyboi:** well at least ya get them

 **foxyyboi:** i am lonely and so is my snapchat inbox

 

 **Shark:** Are you putting out an open offer?

 

 **foxyyboi:** why? thinking abt taking it ? ;)

 

 **Shark:** This is going way too fast

 

 **foxyyboi:** i've been told ;)

 

 **Shark:** It's common courtesy to at least ask me out on a date first, you know

 

 **foxyyboi:** oho

 **foxyyboi:** is this flirting

 

 **Shark:** You tell me

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** WHAT

 

 **lilyama:** classic

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** where is everyone?

 

 **lilyama:** aha sasuke you have returned

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** do you absolutely have to call me that?

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** do you at least watch the show

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** yes i'm at episode 97 of original i believe

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** good you arent a completely fake fan

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** AKAAAASSASHI R U FLIRTING WITH ATSUMU

 

 **Shark:** ...

 

 **foxyyboi:** sadly no

 **foxyyboi:** i m not lucky enough in life to receive romantic attention

 **foxyyboi:** specially from t prettiest person here

 

 **Shark:** Well obviously

 **Shark:** You can't give yourself romantic attention now can you

 

 **foxyyboi:** w h at

 **foxyyboi:** i am

 **foxyyboi:** akasbabfwf,:?/?'

 

 **Shark:**  Damn it... What's Tsukki's cousin's name again

 **Shark:** Right *Rei Ryugazaki voice*

 **Shark:** According to my calculations

 **Shark:** You are a 10/10

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Hello I am here to announce that you've broken Atsumu

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** We're very impressed

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** OMG AKAASHI UR GINALLY BRANCHING IUT IM SO PROUD

 

 **lilyama:** akaashi keiji's flirting game is too strong everyone else just go home

 

 **Shark:** Thank you

 

 **foxyyboi:** i think im in love save me

 

 **Shark:** You? Damsel in distress?

 **Shark:** Cute

 

 **foxyyboi:** i..:?/? am de cEA sed..:-/? pls exc us e me i h av e to g o i forg ot ho w to bre ath e

 

 **Shark:** I'm very flattered, Atsumu

 **Shark:** And Bokuto-san, about your issue with the dick pic: make a joke about it. Your entire relationship with Kuroo is based off bad humor anyway

 **Shark:**  Plus, you're good at playing the fool

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** um thank

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** ... i gotta know .. was it a nice dick

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** ... the nicest

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** it ain't wakatoshi's so imma politely disagree

 

 **mooshijima:** Thank you Tendou, but I think yours is nicer

 

 **i don't deserve this:** SOMEONE STOP THEM

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** i guess ill take that as my cue t leave ttyl as soon as i stop my screming n figure out what to text kuroo

 

 _[_ _lilyama_ _has added_ _snemismeita_ _and_ _Shirabooty_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **snemismeita:** yall better not say any fuckin thing or so help me

 

 **Shirabooty:** i don't know what he's talking about but the same thing goes for me about the Thing

 

 **Shark:** This is ridiculous

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** i read through everything i missed and it was a wild ride

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** oh ffs

 

 **kenji's hoe:** we have to do something

 

 _[_ _InarizakiMiya_ _has named the conversation_ _this is an intervention_ _]_

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Nice one, 'Samu

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Thanks bae

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Are you free tomorrow afternoon? I want to go see It, but I don't want to see it by myself

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** 'Course sweetie

 

 **lilyama:** gosh u guys are so domestic

 

 **snemismeita:** whos having an intervention

 

 **Shirabooty:** and who's it for

 

 **lilyama:** the two of you

 

 **snemismeita:** excuse you but what

 

 **Shirabooty:** look if this is about the Thing i will slaughter you all in your sleep

 

 **snemismeita:** i dont know whats up with anglebangs but same for My Thing

 

 **Shirabooty:** ... anglebangs

 

 _[_ _Shark_ _has changed_ _Shirabooty_ _'s name to_ _anglebangs_ _]_

 

 **anglebangs:** ugh look at least i'm not scene

 

 **snemismeita:** at least my hair compliments me

 

 **anglebangs:** well it's the only thing that does

 

 **snemismeita:** okay fuck the intervention theres no way in hell am i becoming buddies with this asshat

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** what about boyfriends?

 

 **snemismeita:** excuse me

 

 **anglebangs:** what. the. fuck.

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** hoo boy youve done it now sasuke

 **overgrown assmushroom:** WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO SAY IS

 

 **kenji's hoe:** THE INTERVENTION

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** WHILE YOU TWO WERE SEPARATELY ADDED AND REMOVED TO THE CHAT

 

 **lilyama:** KUNIMI GOT YOU BOTH TO CONFESS YOUR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER

 

 **Mooshijima:** In which you separately stated that you would like to date each other

 

 **Shark:** But didn't know how to ask each other out

 

 **anglebangs:** is this some kind of bad prank

 

 **snemismeita:** this is bullshit you guys i know that shirabu would never

 

 **anglebangs:** wait you're serious

 

 **kenji's hoe:** i can hear the mind cogs cranking

 

 **snemismeita:** wait YOURE serious

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** i can see the mind wheels turning

 

 **anglebangs:** i

 **anglebangs:** please tell me this is an elaborate joke before i make a complete fool of myself

 

 **snemismeita:** you

 **snemismeita:** want to go out

 **snemismeita:** with me???? wha t the fuck

 

 **kenji's hoe:** *conductor voice* you have reached the destination

 

 **anglebangs:** YES YOU DAFT BASTARD

 

 **snemismeita:** HOLY SHIT

 **snemismeita:** i am blessed today

 **snemismeita:** O-BLA-DI O-BLA-DA

 

 **anglebangs:** YOU LIKE THE BEATLES?? I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST A STUPID EMO

 

 **snemismeita:** WELL YES BUT NOW IM YOUR STUPID EMO

 **snemismeita:** if youre okay with that

 

 **anglebangs:** YES also CAN WE TAKE THIS TO DM

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** aww

 

 **i don't deserve this:** fuckin finally dudes i'm pretty happy for y'all

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** NEVER CALLED THIS BT I AM SO GLAD THIS WORKED OUT OMG

 

 **mooshijima:** Semi and Shirabu... Never would I have expected it, but it seems sweet now that I think about it

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** They're  real-life angsty enemies to lovers! And really cute! Holy crap

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** I'm rooting for this so hard

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** SemiShira, happy ever after in the marketplace

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** I got the reference but I just forgot that you were a Beatles nerd 'Samu

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Come on over and I'll serenade you with Octopus's Garden and Let It Be

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** I am weak for your singing, darling; I will be there at 11 (if your parents are fine with that)

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** oho

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Are you kidding they love you

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** They asked me the other day when we planned to get married

 

 **kenji's hoe:** oho

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Aww, that's nice of them! Not for a while hopefully but I like that they think ahead! Anyway I'll be there in half an hour and we can study for Math as well

 

 **Shark:** All the couples are adorable

 **Shark:** My heart feels conflicted and also slightly broken

 

 **foxyyboi:** I don't have much experience, but I'll try to fix it?

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** *SIREN NOISES*

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Correct grammar?

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Flirting politely?

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Our Atsumu?

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** I'm so proud!

 

 **Shark:** Miya Atsumu

 

 **kenji's hoe:** omg

 

 **foxyyboi:** Yes

 

 **Shark:** When is the next time you can come up to Tokyo?

 

 **foxyyboi:** HOLY FISHSTICKS ARE YOU ASKING ME OUT?!!?

 

 **Shark:** Um.. yes?? If you want to? I'd love that

 

 **foxyyboi:** OH MY GOD

 **foxyyboi:** YES

 

 **Shark:**  That's great! Can I DM you?

 

 **kenji's hoe:** many suave

 

 **yuuji's bitch:** much smooth

 

 **also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** This is pure

 

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** *Wipes away tears* I'm so happy for him

 

_[ InarizakiMiya has changed his name to proud of foxyyboi]_

 

_[ SunaRathaThanLata has changed his name to also proud of foxyyboi]_

 

 **lilyama:** today, the gods of love are good

 

 **puddign_haed:** good for you good for you personally i don't understand why people feel the need for love or sex but ayyye congrats anyway

 

 **i don't deserve this:** yeah what kenma said

 **i don't deserve this:** bye i'm off to eat cake

 

 **puddign_haed:** nice

 **puddign_haed:** apple pie is better but i got that reference- me too- so nice

 

 **yeah nope:** i just read through all of that bc kindaichi made me get up early

 **yeah nope:** and see: i told you

 **yeah nope:** shipper's sixth sense

 

 **kindaichi_y:** EVERYONE'S SO CUTE GOSH I WISH I HAD A BOYFRIEND!!!

 

 **yeah nope:** then ask someone out

 

 **kindaichi_y:** but i know i'll mess it up besides he doesn't like me i don't think

 

 **yeah nope:** is it someone i know

 

 **kindaichi_y:** yeah

 

 **yeah nope:** okay so i can talk to them if it goes wrong

 

 **kindaichi_y:** you don't have to do that

 

 **yeah nope:** i'm your friend of course i will

 **yeah nope:** go for it anyways it couldn't hurt to try

 

 **settersrc00l:** oh kindaichi ur back

 

 **kindaichi_y:** WILL YOU GO ON A DATE WITH ME

 

 **settersrc00l:** what

 

 **yeah nope:** shit

 **yeah nope:** sorry what

 

 **kindaichi_y:** OH NO I MEANT TO SEND THAT FOR KUNIMI

 **kindaichi_y:** KUNIMI

 **kindaichi_y:** DAMMIT KAGEYAMA YOU ARRIVED AT THE WORST TIME

 

 **yeah nope:** ... seriously?

 

 **kindaichi_y:** I'M SORRY I DIDN'T M

 

 **yeah nope:** coffee and book shopping on saturday?

 

 **kindaichi_y:** WIAT REALLY

 

 **yeah nope:** glad you finally picked up on my two years of flirting yuutarou

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** damn

 

 **settersrc00l:** i have been shipping this forever tbh anyways best of luck on your relationship

 

 **bedhead:** okay hi i just read through all of that, everything is cute, my day has brightened considerably, i have three new otps,

 

 **kindaichi_y:** yamaguchi is right today is blessed by the love gods

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** this chat is very extra tbh it's fun

 

 **settersrc00l:** do you not generally have fun

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** didn't say that but yeah pretty much.. i've been told i'm boring

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** rippppp sasuke

 

 **settersrc00l:** oh sorry

 

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** pls stop

 

 _[_ _sasuke_kiyoomi_ _has changed his name to_ _not sasuke_ _]_

 

 **yuuji’s bitch:** alright then not sasuke

 

 **kenji’s hoe:** whatever ya say not sasuke

 

 **not sasuke:** i hate my life

 

 **godzilla:** … i have just arrived and i'm melting it's all so

 

 **nasa nerd:** GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

 

 **godzilla:** OIKAWA TOORU ISTFG

 

—

 

 _Group Conversation:_ _the land where the bong trees grow_

[10:08 am]

 

 **the daddy friend:** omg it worked

 

 **tetsurhoe:** NO IT DIDTN

 

 **the daddy friend:** look he screenshotted that's always a good sign

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** what did he say

 

 **tetsurhoe:** i quote

 **tetsurhoe:**  'UR FUCKIN HUNG BRO

 **tetsurhoe:** BUT PLATONICALLY

 **tetsurhoe:** NO HOMO'

 **tetsurhoe:** I WASNT AWARE HE COULD EVNE SPELL TH WORD 'PLATONICALLY'

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** ah of course the no homo makes a comeback

 

 **tetsurhoe:** HE DOESNT LOV E MEE

 

 **KaiNobuyuki:** You could always try out a traditional sort of route

 **KaiNobuyuki:** Isn't there a dance at Nekoma in a few days

 

 **don't screw with me:** u need a date kurro

 **don't screw with me:** *kurro

 **don't screw with me:**  *kurro

 **don't screw with me:** *kuroo DAMMIT

 

 **tetsurhoe:** i m refusign to talk abt this any longer okay CHANGE OF TOPIC PLS

 

 **manekinekoma:** … kurro

 **manekinekoma:** *churro

 

 _[_ _tackytora_ _has changed_ _tetsurhoe_ _'s name to churro]_

 

 **churro:** why

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** so your problems are even funnier to us than they were before

 

 **churro:** ur a bitch tsukki

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** yeah but at least i get laid

 

 **the daddy friend:** that reminds me i forgot to give the first years The Talk this year

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** PLEASE NO DADCHI

 **littlegiant2.0:** AONE WAS TEXTING ME ABOUT HOW MUCH SUFFERING BOTH MONIWA AND THE FIRST YEARS WENT THROUGH!!

 **littlegiant2.0:** KOGANEGAWA THOUGHT YOU COULD GET SOMEONE PREGNANT FROM FRENCH KISSING

 

 **INOUKA_SOU:** WAIT THAT'S A LIE??

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** KUROO-SAN WHAT'S A FRENCH KISS

 

 **the daddy friend:** this is a disaster kuroo why aren't your kids more educated

 

 **KaiNobuyuki:** Well, I'm uncomfortable with talking about that and the first years don't respect me much anyway

 **KaiNobuyuki:** Kuroo is an entirely too descriptive and disgusting teacher

 **KaiNobuyuki:** And Yaku insists they maintain their innocence and refuses to help them

 **KaiNobuyuki:** …

 

 **tackytora:** hey look it ain't the second years' job

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** HEY DAICHI-SAN WILL YOU TEACH ALL OF US

 

 **the daddy friend:** you poor children, with such an irresponsible father

 **the daddy friend:** alright i'm bringing in the auxiliary forces

 

 **churro:** U CANNOT ADD SUGA I FORBID IT

 **churro:** THERE IS A MYSTERUOS MIND BOND BETWEN ALL SETTERS N AKAASHI IS NOT TO B TRUSTED

 

 **the daddy friend:** … i know that i was thinking of some other people

 

 _[_ _daichisawamura_ _has added_ _moniwa_k_ _,_ _someone_save_shiratorizawa_ _,_ _shinsukekita_ _and_ _Wakutani_Takeru_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **moniwa_k:** um hi?

 

 **the daddy friend:** okay i have you all in my contacts for mysterious reasons but being third year team parents i assume you are familiar with Giving The Talk to your kouhai

 

 **moniwa_k:** wait no pls

 

 **shinsukekita:** Hold on… Do I know you?

 

 **the daddy friend:** pls excuse the bad screen name

 **the daddy friend:** it’s sawamura daichi

 

 **shinsukekita:** Ah. Captain of Karasuno High?

 

 **churro:** yep the one and only

 

 **someone_save_shiratorizawa:** hi it’s reon and why are we here

 

 **don’t screw with me:** like daichi said ur here t help him give the poor confused 1st years the Talk

 

 **someone_save_shiratorizawa:** i see well imma throw in another first year then we never got around to explaining things to goshiki, bless his terf bangs and soul

 

 _[_ _someone_save_shiratorizawa_ _has added_ _shiratorizawasfutureace_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **moniwa_k:** um i don’t think kogane got it either

 

 _[_ _moniwa_k_ _has added_ _KOGANEGAWA_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **Wakutani_Takeru:** What is going on

 

 **shinsukekita:** Well seeing as I know basically none of you, why am I here?

 

 **don’t screw with me:** daichi called in the ‘auxiliary forces’

 **don’t screw with me:** (thats u)

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** DAICHI-SAN I DONT WANNA

 **littlegiant2.0:** SUGA SAID HE WAS PLANNING A POWERPOINT WE CAN DO IT LATER PLS

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** YAKU-SAN DO WE HAVE TO?????

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** NO YAKU-SAN PLEASE TEACH ME

 

 **manekinekoma:** oho

 

 **don’t screw with me:** FUKUNAGA A SWEAR TO GOD

 **don’t screw with me:** u know what never mind

 

 _[_ _artichoke_ _has removed_ _punmaster_ _from the conversation]_

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** WHY?

 

 **don’t screw with me:** lev can u just,,, take a goddamn break fr the goddamn chat ok thatll solve my problems

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** oh

 **tol deceased stupid:** OKAY THEN BYE YAKU-SAN I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON!!!!

 

 **don’t screw with me:** *loud sigh*

 

 **tackytora:** yike

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** HELLO WHAT IS THIS

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** I THINK THE CAPTAINS WANT TO TEACH US ABOUT LOVE SO THEY ADDED US HERE BUT I DON’T KNOW WHO EVERYONE IS AND I’M A BIT NERVOUS

 

 **tackytora:** all this yelling is giving me a headache

 

 **churro:** I CANNOT BELEIVE U YAMAMOTO

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** WE’RE ALL TEXTING HOW CAN SOMEONE BE YELLING????

 

 _[_ _KaiNobuyuki_ _has left the conversation]_

 

 **tackytora:** smart move smart move

 

 _[_ _tackytora_ _has left the conversation]_

 

 **churro:** great one daichi u n ur first years have driven away all m teammates

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** maybe they just hate u :)

 

 **churro:** remind me y im frens w u :)

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** because you’re a shitty judge of character

 

 **churro:** sadly tru

 

 **moniwa_k:** … yeah can i go or

 

 **shinsukekita:** So are we or are we not giving the kouhai the Talk?

 

 **the daddy issue:** apparently not

 

 **moniwa_k:** k then

 

 **shinsukekita:** Great. I will go then.

 **shinsukekita:** Apparently our problem child Miya Atsumu has been asked out by, I quote him directly, ‘the fairest of them all’ and is having a meltdown. The team is holding a celebration in honor of this ‘fairest of them all’.

 

 **churro:** uh good for u then

 

 **Wakutani_Takeru:** I found a .. slight .. issue with Hinata’s username

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT WE BEAT YOUR TEAM YOU CAN SUCK IT I’M A BETTER LITTLE GIANT THAN YOU

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** HINATA THAT’S SO RUDE

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** HINATA YOU NEED TO CHILL!!!

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** WAIT HINATA HI!!!! I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE YOUR NAME AT FIRST I’M SORRY

 

 **Wakutani_Takeru:** …

 **Wakutani_Takeru:** That’s not what I meant

 **Wakutani_Takeru:** Your home profile name has been changed to ‘DEM BONELESS CHICKEN CHOPS HALLELUJAH’ and I thought you should know

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** OH

 

 **the daddy friend:** HINATA SHOUYOU HOW DARE YOU BE SO RUDE

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kuroo and bokuto are living the No Homo life
> 
> do japanese high schools have dances? when even is this set? do i care abt timeline accuracy? honestly i'm too tired to police it so have the inaccuracies anyway
> 
> ALSO IT IS OUR SON BOKUTO KOUTAROU'S BIRTHDAY and i didn't put it in bc timeline confuzzlement as i said BUT CELEBRATE IT NONETHELESS
> 
> i choose to believe that all sports anime glasses bois are related. tis the megane dna. the megane gene. ... megene? ... wait that's only a good pun written nvm soMEBODY STOP ME
> 
> also i myself am only at episode 97 of naruto original and sakusa is my self-projection and need to validate myself as a Not Completely Fake Fan of naruto okay
> 
> the beatles were playing as i wrote this and i'm indulgent
> 
> akaashi has done so much for bo he deserves a bf okay and atsumu is beautiful enough to be worthy of him pls enjoy this ship
> 
> additionally can we have a moment of silence: rip kuroo's career as the captain and most respected member of nekoma


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> also proud of foxyyboi: In what universe is brotherly love better than the romantic and especially the sexual love that I can offer
> 
> puddign_haed: gross suna
> 
> overgrown assmushroom: AYYYYE GET SOME SUNA
> 
> also proud of foxyyboi: UNFORTUNATELY, I CANNOT, SEEING AS ATSUMU HERE HAS KIDNAPPED MY WAIFU
> 
> foxyyboi: pssssh you’re not married yet chillax  
> foxyyboi: you’ll have plenty of time for that when you do
> 
> also proud of foxyyboi: True  
> also proud of foxyyboi: But I wanted dick tonight
> 
> overgrown assmushroom: nice
> 
> foxyyboi: i did not need to know that nor did i want to so LET ME GO OFFLINE STUPIDS SAMU’S THREATENING TO LEAVE ME BEHIND

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *inhales deeply* HAIKYUU CHAPTER 271 AMIRITE BOISSS

_Group Conversation:_ _this is an intervention_

[12:36 pm]

 

 **Shark:** I am so excited!

 

 **foxyyboi:** i’m putting on my shoes osamu is driving me

 

 **proud of foxyyboi:** I wish you the best of times Atsumu but I fully expect you to pay me in pudding after this

 

 **bedhead:** wow i can’t believe they’ve set up a date so quickly

 

 **puddign_haed:** @osamu: im slightly uncomfortable with ur statement

 

 **proud of foxyyboi:** … ‘Pudding-head”… Ah

 

 **puddign_haed:** @kuguri: they’ve actually been frens for a while apparently

 

 **foxyyboi:** we’re going shopping

 

 **Shark:** Us setters are genetically beautiful, sure, but I also need a new Bobbi Brown foundation to maintain that

 

 **foxyyboi:** ooh nice

 **foxyyboi:** i’m looking forward to buying some Fenty myself

 

 **Shark:** I do love Rihanna, she is such an inspiration

 

 **foxyyboi:** indeed and i want to see Valerian so badly tbh i’m a sucker for space movies

 

 **nasa nerd:** DID SOMEBODY SAY SPACE MOVIES

 **nasa nerd:** also

 **nasa nerd:** thank god i’m not the only one who wears high-end makeup

 

 **foxyyboi:** eeeeeeeey

 

 **nasa nerd:** YEAH SO PACIFIC RIM IS REALLY FUCKING GOOD IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT PLEASE DO

 **nasa nerd:** MAYBE IT’S TECHNICALLY NOT A SPACE MOVIE BUT IT’S GOT ALIENS

 

 **godzilla:** oikawa

 **godzilla:** please stop talking

 

 **nasa nerd:** …

 **nasa nerd:** well for you i shall, iwachan~~~

 

 **godzilla:** i am rolling my eyes but thank you

 

 **foxyyboi:** … yeah sorry i am leaving the house now i will not be in the range of wifi see you all tomorrow, see you keiji in about six hours

 

 **proud of foxyyboi:** I’m going offline now, see y’all later

 

 **puddign_haed:** wtf are you driving so far for a date

 

 **foxyyboi:** because love makes you do crazy things?

 **foxyyboi:** osamu just kicked me for that rintarou please control your boyfriend

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** You shared the womb with him for nine months, idiot

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** Besides, like you just said, love makes you do crazy things

 

 **puddign_haed:** BURNED

 

 **Shark:** Anyways, Bokuto-san has offered the use of his guest bedroom for the Miyas so they can stay until next week at least

 **Shark:** We can go for a tour of Tokyo then if you want

 

 **foxyyboi:** sounds wonderful keiji

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** WHEN WILL MY HUSBAND RETURN FROM THE WAR

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** Honestly Osamu is such a wonderful person

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** I don’t know why he would pass up our date night to drive Atsumu of all people to Tokyo

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** And only be paid in pudding

 

 **foxyyboi:** ... out of brotherly love?

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** In what universe is brotherly love better than the romantic and especially the sexual love that I can offer

 

 **puddign_haed:** ok gross suna

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** AYYYYE GET SOME SUNA

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** UNFORTUNATELY, I CANNOT, SEEING AS ATSUMU HERE HAS KIDNAPPED MY WAIFU

 

 **foxyyboi:** pssssh you’re not married yet chillax

 **foxyyboi:** you’ll have plenty of time for that when you do

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** True

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** But I wanted dick tonight

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** nice

 

 **foxyyboi:** i did not need to know that nor did i want to so LET ME GO OFFLINE STUPIDS SAMU’S THREATENING TO LEAVE ME BEHIND

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** What am I going to do tonight now

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** I bought some extra rope and a third pair of cuffs for God’s sake

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** We were going to try something new

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** OHOHOHO DAMN

 

 **puddign_haed:** HHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG

 

 **bedhead:** akaashi-san

 **bedhead:** i am going to make a separate group chat for all the single people here so we don’t have to deal with this

 **bedhead:** we will stick to the original mission statement of trying to get bokuto and kuroo together, just,,, without the explicit texts from the couples in this chat

 

 **Shark:** ... Very well

 **Shark:** You may go

 

 **puddign_haed:** FUCKING THANK YOU KUGURI

 

 _[_ _Shark_ _has removed_ _aobajousaiace_ _,_ _fruitagucci_ _,_ _kiwinishi_ _,_ _kuguri_nohebi_ _,_ _oikawahahaha_ _,_ _puddign_haed_ _,_ _sasuke_kiyoomi , settersrc00l_ _and_ _teradshima_ _from the conversation]_

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** aight so can we talk about suna and osamu's ~experiments~ now

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** Alright so

 

* * *

 

 _[_ _kuguri_nohebi_ _has added_ _aobajousaiace_ _,_ _fruitagucci_ _,_ _kiwinishi_ _,_ _oikawahahaha_ _,_ _puddign_haed_ _,_ _sasuke_kiyoomi , settersrc00l_ _,_ _teradshima_ _and_ _WisdomOfTheAce_ _to the conversation]_

[12:45 pm]

 

 _[_ _kuguri_nohebi_ _has named the conversation_ _beyoncé club_ _]_

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** aight so we gotta keep our promise to monsieur requin there and help bokuto out else we get added back to the old chat

 

 **oikawahahaha:** i liked the drama there i am sad we got kicked

 

 **aobajousaiace:** i'm not; that was a bit much at times

 

 **oikawahahaha:** well that part's true the only dick i wanna hear about is yours, iwachan~~

 

 **aobajousaiace:** fuck off trashykawa you pervert

 

 **puddign_haed:** i can see we're off to a good start

 

 **kiwinishi:** what does 'monsieur requin' mean

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** it's french for 'mr shark'

 

 **puddign_haed:** u uncultured swine smh

 

 **kiwinishi:** now now kenma we're the ace bros we gotta maintain our friendship

 

 **puddign_haed:** of course

 

 **teradshima:** ahye wat's this

 

 **fruitagucci:** new chat new chat

 

 **puddign_haed:** well great

 

 **teradshima:** ... beyoncé club

 

 **fruitagucci:** ...

 

 **teradshima:**  .... oooooooooh

 **teradshima:** ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

 

 **fruitagucci:** ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

 

 **teradshima:** ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

 

 **fruitagucci:** ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

 

 **kiwinishi:** can it, shitiots

 

 **fruitagucci:** r00d

 **fruitagucci:** anyway what happened to our screen names

 

 **kuguri_nohebi:** good point

 

 _[_ _kuguri_nohebi_ _has changed his name to T_ _he New Admin_ _]_

 

 _[_ _oikawahahaha_ _has changed his name to_ _princess leia_ _]_

 

 _[_ _oikawahahaha_ _has changed_ _aobajousaiace_ _'s name to_ _han solo_ _]_

 

 _[_ _aobajousaiace_ _has changed his name to i_ _n your dreams oikawa_ _]_

 

 _[_ _teradshima_ _has changed his name to_ _slut for kenji_ _]_

 

 **fruitagucci:** bitch don't u know it

 

 _[_ _fruitagucci_ _has changed his name to_ _slut for yuuji_ _]_

 

 **slut for kenji:** thirsty for this ass yeah

 

 **slut for yuuji:** i'm always thirsty for your ass babe

 

 **slut for kenji:** babe

 **slut for kenji:** we got some fine asses both of us

 **slut for kenji:** no homo tho right

 

 **slut for yuuji:** maybe just a tiny bit of homo

 

 **slut for kenji:** ... babe

 

 **princess leia:** no pls someone stop them

 

 **The New Admin:** they're technically single i have no real power over that

 

 _[_ _puddign_haed_ _has changed his name to_ _tired of this_ _]_

 

 _[_ _kiwinishi_ _has changed his name to_ _i deserve cake_ _]_

 

 _[_ _teradshima_ _has changed sasuke_kiyoomi's name to _ _f uk u itachi_ _]_

 

 **fuk u itachi:** i swear to god

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** what is this now

 

 **slut for kenji:** new group chat for all the single people in the old one

 

 **slut for yuuji:** apparently ppl got tired of getting texts about sex from the couples

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** in that case i'm going back to bed

 

 **i deserve cake:** IT'S QUARTER TO ONE YOU LAZY SLEAZEBAG

 

 **slut for kenji:** oi don't call my boy snood horas that

 **slut for kenji:** SNOOD HORAS WHAT THE FUCK

 **slut for kenji:** I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA HOW BUT MY PHONE JUST AUTOCORRECTED 'ENNOSHITA' TO 'SNOOD HORAS'

 

 _[_ _sasuke_kiyoomi_ _has changed_ _chikara_karasuno_ _'s name to_ _SNOOD HORAS_ _]_

 

 **SNOOD HORAS:** OKAY WHAT THE HELL

 

 **fuk u itachi:** it's not like i'm any better off but i can't see my own user when texting so i'll leave it as entertainment for everyone else

 

 **i deserve cake:** can we add more people i'm bored

 

 **slut for yuuji:** good idea

 

 **The New Admin:** uh go ahead

 

 _[_ _fruitagucci_ _has added_ _kamichii_ _,_ _ironwall2_ _and s_aku_nam_i to the conversation]_

 

 **settersrc00l:** i have some people from nationals i guess

 

 _[ settersrc00l has added _ _broccoli2_ _,_ _hoeshiumi_ _and_ _litbero_m_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **i deserve cake:** reminds me

 

 _[_ _kiwinishi_ _has added_ _litbero_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **settersc00l:** lmao we have two of them

 

 **litbero_m:** OH SO YOU’RE THE REASON I COULDN’T GET THAT USERNAME

 

 **litbero:** uhhh sorry

 

 **fuk u itachi:** hi komori

 

 **litbero_m:** heya

 **litbero_m:** … sasuke

 

 **fuk u itachi:** STOP

 

 **i deserve cake:** every time i look at either of ennoshita or sakusa’s screen names i break my diaphragm

 

 **tired of this:** me

 

 **SNOOD HORAS:** okay fuck off kiwi boi

 

 **hoeshiumi:** wtaf is this

 

 **litbero_m:** hi to you too short stuff

 

 _[_ _broccoli2_ _has changed_ _hoeshiumi_ _’s name to_ _short stuff_ _]_

 

 **short stuff:** i hate you

 

 **litbero:** lmao anyways why are we here

 

 **slut for kenji:** *bored, rehearsed voice*

 

 **slut for yuuji:** akaashi keiji added us to all to this chat so we could get bokuto a boyfriend

 

 **slut for kenji:** however after a few descriptive texts from the likes of ushijima, tendou, yamaguchi and suna, kuguri moved all the single people to a separate chat

 

 **litbero:** aight so this is bachelor club

 

 **litbero_m:** no it’s beyoncé club did you not see the name

 

 **broccoli2:** lol who’s bokuto thirsting after this time

 **broccoli2:** i bet it’s kuroo innit

 

 **settersrc00l:** ding

 

 **broccoli2:** i’m cracking up okay how do we get them together

 

 **SNOOD HORAS:** that’s what we’re here to plan

 

 **short stuff:** aka nobody knows right

 

 **kamichii:** is bokuto even here

 **kamichii:** if he isn’t can i leave

 

 **slut for yuuji:** HIIII KAMASAKI-SAN

 

 **kamichii:** okAY FUCK OFF FUTAKUCHI I DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE

 

 **slut for yuuji:** AWWW I LOVE YOU TOO

 

 **s_aku_nam_i:** i don’t know half of the people here

 

 **ironwall2:** Me neither.

 

 **slut for kenji:** WTF DID AONE JUST TALK

 

 **ironwall2:** This is an online chat. I am texting, not talking.

 

 **slut for yuuji:** duhh

 **slut for yuuji:** baaaaaka yuuji

 

 **slut for kenji:** leave me alone bro

 **slut for kenji:** fucking flirt with kamasaki if you want

 **slut for kenji:** see if i care

 

 **slut for yuuji:** BRO NO COME BACK I LOVE YOU PLS

 

 **litbero_m:** great

 

 **litbero:** lmao so to get this clear it was tendou and ushijima being gross and public that drove you out of the previous chat

 

 **i deserve cake:** what do you think

 

 **litbero:** look at least it’s not as bad as the shiratorizawa third-years chat

 **litbero:** jin was never the same after the day ushijima sent us their ‘fifty shades of grey’ photoshoot

 

 **SNOOD HORAS:** okay that is terrible

 

 **slut for kenji:** classic

 

 **slut for yuuji:** damn send us screenshots

 

 **fuk u itachi:** uh … yuck

 

 **litbero_m:** i totally agree with you, sasuke

 

 **fuk u itachi:** GIVE IT A REST JANET

 

* * *

 

 

 _Group Conversation:_ _the land where the bong trees grow_

[10:08 am]

 

 

 **churro:** update: i m not asking bokuto to a dance

 **churro:** thats so domestic ew

 

 **moniwa_k:** come on it’s cute

 

 **churro:** n it aint ever gonna happen besides i have a much better idea

 

 **shinsukekita:** Right I don’t mean to change the subject but do you all know an Akaashi Keiji?

 

 **churro:** do u need to fight him

 **churro:** in which case yes yes i do

 

 **shinsukekita:** Is he a good person?

 

 **idfkonoha:** … why are you asking

 

 **shinsukekita:** Our team’s baby is going on a date with him today and I want to make sure he’s doing something that won’t hurt him

 

 **idfkonoha:** okay akaashi’s my setter, and he is many things, but a dick is not one of them

 **idfkonoha:** hold up are you the captain of inarizaki

 

 **shinsukekita:** Yes

 

 **idfkonoha:** oml so your team baby is miya atsumu? nice

 **idfkonoha:** but anyways akaashi has been texting me nonstop for the past hour or so asking what kind of outfit he should wear, what they should get for dinner, what playlist to put on, whether buying flowers for miya is too extra or not

 **idfkonoha:** look akaashi’s gotten dozens of confessions monthly since his first year bc he's gorgeous let's be honest and he’s considerate about them, sure, but i’ve never seen him so invested and uhm stressed about a date ever

 **idfkonoha:** he’s a good guy, your son is in safe hands

 

 **churro:** let us pray that they work out bc its a 7hr drive from hyogo to tokyo n id hate for it to go to waste eh

 

 **shinsukekita:** Atsumu won’t admit it, but it’s been pretty rough seeing his twin and their mutual best friend so happy together while being alone himself, so this is good to hear. Thank you

 

 **moniwa_k:** yeah sweet and all but personally i wanna hear about kuroo’s better idea

 

 **the daddy friend:** dances are romantic though kuroo

 

 **churro:** am i a romantic?

 

 **the daddy friend:**  no

 

 **churro:** is bokuto a romantic?

 

 **idfkonoha:** uhuh definitely not

 

 **churro:** ill just airdrop him a meme i made asking him to date me

 **churro:** that one with the girl n her boyfriend whos looking at another girls ass

 **churro:** girl says ‘dating an awesome cat captain’

 **churro:** the boyfriend says ‘you’

 **churro:** the girlfriend says ‘wallowing in single misery’

 

 **shinsukekita:** Oddly enough I find that fairly romantic itself

 

 **the daddy friend:** i volunteer to airdrop it

 

 **idfkonoha:** no let me i wanna be the wingman

 

 **don’t screw with me:** guys guys we all know i am the ultimate wingman

 

 **tol deceased stupid:**  YEAH GO YAKU-SAN

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** NO GO DAICHI-SAN

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** MONIWA SHOULD BE THE WINGMAN!!

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** REON-SAN IS A GREAT WINGMAN HE GOT TENDOU AND USHIJIMA TOGETHER

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** WELL DAICHI ACTUALLY HAS A BOYFRIEND

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** WELL YAKU SHOULD BE SOMEBODY’S BOYFRIEND HE’S REALLY NICE AND CARING AND PRETTY HE COULD BE A GREAT WINGMAN

 

 **churro:** ohoho

 

 **don’t screw with me:** lev pls dont they ship us

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** what does that mean

 

 **don’t screw with me:** hhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnggggggg

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** GUYS MONIWA-SENPAI IS CURRENTLY IN TOKYO SO

 

 **littlgiant2.0:** DAICHI FTW

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** REON

 

 **someone_save_shiratorizawa:** now now goshiki

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** MONIWA

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** YAKUUUUUU

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** IDK WHAT THAT IS BUT IT SOUNDS FUN SO MEEEEEE

 

 **churro:** NO

 **churro:** ok thats it

 **churro:**  ... TSUKKKKKKKKI

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** what

 

 **churro:** UR MY WINGMAN

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** ugh sounds like a lot of effort

 

 **churro:** U JUST GOTTA TEXT A MEME TO BO PLS TSUKKI UR OUR MUTUAL SALT BUDDY

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** pay me

 

 **churro:** in what

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** buy me and yamaguchi some lube and condoms please i have no motivation to get them myself

 

 **churro:** ok deal ITS DONE

 

 _[_ _noitslikefirefly_ _has changed his name to_ _loser’s wingman_ _]_

 

 **loser’s wingman:** thanks i will send the text presently

 

 **littlegiant2.0:** EW EW EW GROSS TSUKKI

 

 **the daddy friend:** look at least they’re being responsible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all these typos and autocorrections are real. yes my phone actually DID autocorrect 'ennoshita' to 'snood horas'. i don't know even
> 
> sunaosa and atsuaka (rarepairs i m so S A D) are currently sustaining my life force, and suna rintarou, whom i have been stanning since march of 2017, is finally getting the canon recognition and absolute awesomeness he deserves i am blessed as are you all
> 
> how tf do you use the word 'whom' i give up


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shinsukekita: I recognize that was intended to be an insult,  
> shinsukekita: However, I am choosing to accept that as a compliment of our apparent ‘cloned’ beauty
> 
> littlegiant2.0: IT’S TRUE KAGEYAMA IS A BEAUTIFUL PERSON
> 
> loser’s wingman: on the outside
> 
> churro: WHYY R U OF ALL PPL SAYING THAT
> 
> idfkonoha: WHY ARE YOU OF ALL PEOPLE CALLING HIM OUT ON IT
> 
> loser’s wingman: WHY AREN’T WE ACKNOWLEDGING MR. “I’M SO STRAIGHT I’M THE STRAIGHTEST PERSON EVER” HINATA SHOUYOU’S GAY-AS-FUCK STATEMENT
> 
> littlegiant2.0: IT’S BECAUSE I /AM/ STRAIGHT, YOU BRACHIOSAURUS
> 
> loser’s wingman: I’M SORRY WHAT DID YOU SAY I COULDN’T HEAR YOUR VOICE L Y I N G FROM OVER THE 26CM HEIGHT DIFFERENCE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good gosh i am so sorry for not updating in like, 2 weeks
> 
> i've had a lot of unit exams and stuff but i'm on fall break starting tomorrow so i'll probably update a lot then
> 
> but here have an extra-long chapter (well, longer than the other ones) as an apology

_ Group Conversation: the land where the bong trees grow _

[12:14 pm]

 

**churro:** tsukki

**churro:** tsukki

**churro:** T S U K K I

 

**loser’s wingman:** don’t get your panties in a twist i sent the thing okay

 

**littlegiant2.0:** BOKUTO BLOCKED HIM IT WAS HILARIOUS

 

**loser’s wingman:** that was only

**loser’s wingman:** a minor setback

 

**shinsukekita:** I dunno, that sounds like a pretty big pothole in the road there

 

**loser’s wingman:** shut it you scene kageyama clone

 

**the daddy friend:** SCENE KAGEYAMA CLONE

 

**shinsukekita:** I recognize that was intended to be an insult,

**shinsukekita:** However, I am choosing to accept that as a compliment of our apparent ‘cloned’ beauty

 

**littlegiant2.0:** IT’S TRUE KAGEYAMA IS A BEAUTIFUL PERSON

 

**loser’s wingman:** on the outside

 

**churro:** WHYY R U OF ALL PPL SAYING THAT

 

**idfkonoha:** WHY ARE YOU OF ALL PEOPLE CALLING HIM OUT ON IT

 

**loser’s wingman:** WHY AREN’T WE ACKNOWLEDGING MR. “I’M SO STRAIGHT I’M THE STRAIGHTEST PERSON EVER” HINATA SHOUYOU’S GAY-AS-FUCK STATEMENT

 

**littlegiant2.0:** IT’S BECAUSE I /AM/ STRAIGHT, YOU BRACHIOSAURUS

 

**loser’s wingman:** I’M SORRY WHAT DID YOU SAY I COULDN’T HEAR YOUR VOICE L Y I N G FROM OVER THE 26CM HEIGHT DIFFERENCE

 

**littlegiant2.0:** YOU WANNA COME OVER AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE

 

**loser’s wingman:** BRING IT ON GINGERBALL I CAN LITERALLY STEP ON YOU

 

**the daddy friend:** FOR GOD’S SAKE TSUKISHIMA, HINATA, YOU ARE ON A DAMN PHONE NOT FACE-TO-FACE QUIT ACTING LIKE IT

**the daddy friend:** also,

**the daddy friend:** hinata, son,

**the daddy friend:** i hate to be the one to break it to ya but you are definitely at least bisexual

 

**littlegiant2.0:** I AM NOT AHAGDWWVUIUIFA

 

_ [ li ttlegiant2.0 has left the conversation] _

 

**idfkonoha:** repression and/or denial: a major symptom of chronic homosexuality in young teens

 

**churro:** IM STILL UPSET

**churro:** TSUKKI DID BO NOT SAY ANYTHING BEFORE HE CUT U OUT OF HIS LIFE

 

**loser’s wingman:** BRING OVER MY STUFF AND MAYBE I’LL TELL YOU

 

**churro:** U FUCKIN

**churro:** …. ok FINE HAVE IT UR WAY U HOE I HOPE U GET HERPES

 

**loser’s wingman:** WHY THE FUCK DID I ASK YOU TO BUY CONDOMS THEN

 

**the daddy friend:** i’m so tired of this already i can feel my gray hairs growing soon enough i’ll be matching with suga

 

**idfkonoha:** *eats popcorn*

 

**shinsukekita:** The inner drama salt queens residing deep in your minds are making their entrances

**shinsukekita:** I feel my Atsumu Senses tingling

 

_ [sawamuradaichi has changed shinsukekita’s name to the barbecue man] _

 

**churro:** i get it its cos hes a smoothass fucker at roasting

**churro:** actually EVERY COOL PERSON ON UR DANG TEAM IS A SMOOTHASS FUCKER AT ROASTIN CAN I TRANSFER TO UR SCHOOL PLS TEACH ME UR WAYS SENSEI

 

**the barbecue man:** As you are a good blocker—

**the barbecue man:** Not Suna-level good— but talented nonetheless

**the barbecue man:** … I will consider it

**the barbecue man:** First: on a scale of 1-10, how horrible would you rate yourself as a person

 

**churro:** im in awe of ur clapback skills so ill ignore that not so subtle drag back there… im also not answering that question but fyi im godtier awesome and im always this nice

 

**loser’s wingman:** in what reality

 

**churro:** GET OUT TSUKKI

**churro:** U HAD ONE (1!) JOB AND U FAILED I HAVE NO USE FR U ANY LONGER

**churro:** DONT LET THE DOOR HIT U ON THE WAY OUT

 

**loser’s wingman:** let me call my BOYFRIEND to pick me up, OLD MAN BACHELOR

 

**churro:** YAMAGUCHI DESERVES BETTER

**churro:** PETITION T FREE 1 YAMAGUCHI TADASHI FROM THESE SHACKLES KONWN AS LOVE

 

**loser’s wingman:** ONLY SHACKLES I’LL LET HIM BE FREED FROM ARE THE ONES IN MY BEDROOM

 

**the daddy friend:** … i am at a loss for words

 

**the barbecue man:** I have changed my mind

**the barbecue man:** I will not be taking on Kuroo as my trainee anymore

**the barbecue man:** Tsukishima, you are my newest apprentice

 

**the daddy friend:** thanks kita please do adopt my kinky problem child

**the daddy friend:** and take him off my hands

 

**idfkonoha:** … karasuno drama i see

 

**loser’s wingman:** wow dad so rude

 

**churro:** I HATE U TSUKKI

 

* * *

_ Group Conversation: beyoncé club _

[12:43 pm]

 

**slut for yuuji:** ughhhh i hate writing homework

 

**slut for kenji:** ahah sucker

 

**slut for yuuji:** i hate you

 

**fuk u itachi:** what do you have to do

 

**slut for yuuji:** write,,, a STORY

**slut for yuuji:** I HAVE NO IDEAS

 

**fuk u itachi:** consider: a group of characters are watching an abstract, surrealistic horror movie

**fuk u itachi:** like, think.. that tape from the ring

**fuk u itachi:** mysterious things begin to happen around the house as they watch

 

**slut for yuuji:** ooh

 

**fuk u itachi:** one by one, characters go off to investigate, while their friends continue to watch the movie, which has no plot and is making even less sense as it goes on

**fuk u itachi:** eventually, there is only one character left

**fuk u itachi:** they try to pause the movie so they can look for their friends

**fuk u itachi:** but the tv will not pause, and the film starts to show footage of people, being horrifically murdered or going insane, and the character recognizes them

 

**slut for yuuji:** OOOH

 

**fuk u itachi:** as their friends

**fuk u itachi:** and the character realizes

**fuk u itachi:** the tv was playing real life footage of the house all along

**fuk u itachi:** then the screen goes black, before showing a single face: their own,,,

**fuk u itachi:** END STORY

 

**slut for yuuji:** ……………

 

**slut for kenji:** DAMN WHO SPIKED YOUR COFFEE WITH THE EMO JUICE

 

**fuk u itachi:** kagayama did

 

**settersrc00l:** you spelled my name wrong

 

**short stuff:** no he spelled out the truth

 

**litbero_m:** OH SNAAAAAAP

 

**settersrc00l:** try me bitches i am not afraid to kill a man

 

**slut for yuuji:** THANK YOU SASUKE I WILL TAKE IT

 

**fuk u itachi:** okay pls don’t i’m at episode 115 and sasuke has progressively gotten worse as a character and at this point is just a complete and utter dick

 

**slut for kenji:** why is it taking you so long to watch this show

 

**fuk u itachi:** AHEM ARE YOU TRYING TO WATCH A SEVEN HUNDRED TWENTY EPISODE LONG SHOW AND ALSO TRYING TO BALANCE HIGH SCHOOL WORK AND NATIONAL LEVEL SPORTS 

 

**slut for kenji:** no because i have better things to do

 

**slut for yuuji:** like what for example

 

**slut for kenji:** getting a significant other for one

 

**slut for yuuji:** …

**slut for yuuji:** what

 

**slut for kenji:** guess who has a date to the upcoming dance

 

**slut for yuuji:** …

 

**settersrc00l:** well HINATA ASKED YACHI OUT AND SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HIM DO YOU THINK I CAN CONVINCE HER TO SAY NO

 

**princess leia:** oh please yachi hitoka is definitely a lesbian

 

**settersrc00l:** don’t play me like that oikawa

 

**princess leia:** i know i hate u and chibi-chan but im dead serious

**princess leia:** yahaba.. tried.. to ask her out once~~

**princess leia:** it was a failure

 

**slut for yuuji:** . . yahABA

**slut for yuuji:** I KNEW WE WERE MISSING A BRO

 

_ [fruitagucci has added yahaboi to the conversation] _

 

**princess leia:** lol i didnt know you two were friends

 

**yahaboi:** uhm we are most definitely not

 

**slut for yuuji:** rude

**slut for yuuji:** i missed you shigeru~~~

 

**yahaboi:** look sweetie your screen name is literally ’slut for yuuji’

**yahaboi:** don’t try and pull a flirt there, fuckboy

 

**litbero_m:** OHOOHOHOHOHHOHO

 

**princess leia:** my little brother figure,,, i taught him well

 

**slut for yuuji:** I HAVE A LOT OF LOVE TO GO AROUND

 

**yahaboi:** sadly

 

**slut for yuuji:** WHY WONT U LOVE ME YAHABA

 

**slut for kenji:** dont worry bro u still got me

 

**slut for yuuji:** yeah what am i now, ur third wheel

 

**slut for kenji:** ur my primary wheel, dude

 

**slut for yuuji:** shouldnt that title go to your ‘significant other’

 

**princess leia:** ~~jealousy i see~~

 

**settersrc00l:** i sense something awful is about to happen

 

**slut for kenji:** AHAHA I KNEW IT

 

**slut for yuuji:** KNEW WHAT U FUCKER

 

**slut for kenji:** YOU LOVE ME

 

**slut for yuuji:** NO I DONT BITCH WTF

 

**slut for kenji:** YOU… /LIKE/ .. ME

 

**slut for yuuji:** UR WRONG

**slut for yuuji:** …

**slut for yuuji:** OKAY FINE YES I DO ARE YOU HAPPY NOW

 

**slut for kenji:** YES I AM MY PLAN WORKED

 

**yahaboi:** what. the fuck

 

**slut for yuuji:** WHAT PLAN U ASSBUCKET

 

**slut for kenji;** THAT DATE THAT UR JEALOUS OF

**slut for kenji:** KINDA POINTLESS, BRO

**slut for kenji:** BECAUSE UR LITERALLY JEALOUS

**slut for kenji:** OF URSELF

 

**slut for yuuji:** wait say what now

 

**slut for kenji:** asked you out, it worked dinnit

 

**slut for yuuji:** what

 

**princess leia:** FUTAKUCHI YOU DAFT SHIT HE MADE YOU JEALOUS TO SEE IF YOU LIKED HIM BACK AND THEN UPON CONFIRMATION ASKED YOU OUT

 

**fuk u itachi:** ooh very clever

 

**settersrc00l:** college prep classes student… ahah i forgot that terushima was actually really smart

 

**slut for kenji:** um r00d

**slut for kenji:** but yeah!!! oikawa explained!!! so uh what do you say? kenji?

 

**slut for yuuji:** … wow

**slut for yuuji:** um idk

**slut for yuuji:** that my screen name is canon?

 

**slut for kenji:** AYYYYYYYYYYEEEEE DUUUUUUUDE

 

**slut for yuuji:** BROOOOOOOO

 

**slut for kenji:** so… brofriends?

 

**slut for yuuji:** *boyfriends

 

**slut for kenji:** *train conductor voice*

**slut for kenji:** FULL HOMO AHEAD

 

**short stuff:** well shit

 

**yahaboi:** hey whaddya know kageyama YOUR FUCKING PREDICTION CAME TRUE

 

**slut for kenji:** not the only thing that’s coming tonight ;))))

 

**slut for yuuji:** IS THAT A PROMISE DADDY

 

**i deserve cake:** hey hey time to boot some losers :)

 

_ [kiwinishi has removed fruitagucci and teradshima from the conversation] _

 

**yahaboi:** oh thank god

 

**short stuff:** amen

 

**settersrc00l:** anyways what was that you were saying abt yachi, hinata’s crush and my romantic rival, being queer

 

**princess leia:** yahaba would you do the honors

 

**yahaboi:** well

**yahaboi:** WELL THE REAL QUESTION IS WHY AM I HERE I HAVE A BF

 

**kiwinishi:** ew

 

_ [kiwinishi has removed yahaboi from the conversation] _

 

**princess leia:** kawanishiiii why now i have to explain !!

* * *

 

_ Group Conversation: this is an intervention _

[2:36 pm]

 

**also proud of foxyyboi:** So yeah, I couldn’t walk properly for days afterward

 

**overgrown assmushroom:** DAMNNNNN

**overgrown assmushroom:** WAKATOSHI~~~

 

**mooshijima:** I’ll look some stuff up but I have to go for a university information session again

 

**overgrown assmushroom:** okayy LUV U  <3

 

**mooshijima:** Love you

 

**snemismeita:** theyre so sweet oh my gosh

 

**anglebangs:** disgusting

 

**snemismeita:** sheesh

 

**anglebangs:** they’re so

**anglebangs:** pda

 

**snemismeita:** it’s cute come on

 

**anglebangs:** but like

**anglebangs:** i’m sorry

**anglebangs:** i don’t mean it like that it’s just 

**anglebangs:** not all of us are 6ft+ and intimidating and confident enough to be, you know

**anglebangs:** Out There

**anglebangs:** and i’m just kinda … jealous honestly

 

**also proud of foxyyboi:** Hey, you don’t have to stress about it

 

**lilyama:** every relationship is different and has different comfort levels, so don’t worry about comparing yourself to others

 

**scary-crow-mom-san:** i mean, now you and semi are happy, as it is, so you can absolutely just stay there

 

**anglebangs:** thanks

**anglebangs:** like, it’s fine to talk about here, i guess

**anglebangs:** but in the real world, there are always going to be people who won’t accept us and i don’t want to be in that kind of situation

 

**snemismeita:** oh honey, nobody here’s gonna out us

**snemismeita:** right?

 

**also proud of foxyyboi:** That’s a promise

 

**scary-crow-mom-san:** we have your back, shirabu

 

**lilyama:** i totally get it i was in the same situation a while back so i’m definitely on your side

 

**overgrown assmushroom:**  hey man ur my teammate and friend and ill do my best to ensure ur never in a situation in which u feel unsafe

 

**snemismeita:** it’s okay kenjirou

 

**anglebangs** : thank you i feel a bit better now

 

**yeah nope:** i missed out on the heart to heart dammit

**yeah nope:** but uh ditto

 

**kindaichi_y:** awwwww CUTEE

**kindaichi_y:** …

**kindaichi_y:** wait

 

**yeah nope:** ah shit

 

**kindaichi_y:** OH MY GOD WHAT WERE YOU GUYS EVEN

**kindaichi_y:** I LEFT FOR A DAY AND

**kindaichi_y:** SCHIST I AM SO CORRUPTED

 

**yeah nope:** kindaichi i am so sorry

 

**kindaichi_y:** WORSE THAN MATSUKAWA-SENPAI AND HANAMAKI-SENPAI

 

**lilyama:** he does the -senpai thing how precious

 

**kindaichi_y:** UAAHSWDWWVHQ NOT ANYMORE

**kindaichi_y:** MY EYES

 

**also tired of foxyyboi:** Rest in peace, Kindaichi’s Innocence

 

_ [kunahmi_nahkira has changed kindaichi_y’s name to welcome to the real world sugarpie] _

 

**welcome to the real world sugarpie:** :’(

 

**WisdomOfTheAce:** YAAAAAAMAAAAAGUUUUUUCHI

 

**lilyama:** heyo !!

 

**WisdomOfTheAce:** im gonna fuckin MERK u yamaguchi

 

**lilyama:** y tho

 

**WisdomOfTheAce:** DID U TELL UR BOYFRIEND I LIKE OUR MUTUAL BEST BRO

**WisdomOfTheAce:** BC A CERTAIN GLASSES DINOSAUR-LOVIN SALT BOY JUST ASKED ME OUT

**WisdomOfTheAce:** VIA MEME

**WisdomOfTheAce:** ON BEHALF OF KUROO N NO EXPLANATION EXCEPT A “ ;) somebody wants a good gay fuck ”

**WisdomOfTheAce:** I WANT ANSWERS N U R GOING TO GIVE THEM T ME

 

**lilyama:** lmao dude it wasn’t me

**lilyama:** tsukki prolly sent it to piss kuroo off honestly

**lilyama:** i bet the guy’s just as annoyed as you are

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** oh

 

**yeah nope:** um not to interrupt but apparently terushima and futakuchi got together and were booted from the other chat

 

**lilyama:** well that was fast

 

**anglebangs:** please,,, no

 

**yeah nope:** too late

 

_ [kunahmi_nakhira has added fruitagucci and teradshima to the conversation] _

 

**yeah nope:** and yahaba was ever-so-briefly on the other one has well, before also being kicked for having a boyfriend

 

**anglebangs:** NO NOT YAHABA O H M Y GO D

 

**yeah nope:** ehe

 

_ [lilyama has added yahaboi to the conversation] _

 

**lilyama:** kyoutani broke his phone again he says so in the meantime it’s just yahaba

 

**anglebangs:** HHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGG i HATe YoU

 

**yahaboi:** well then you’ll be very glad to hear the feeling is reciprocated!!

 

**anglebangs:** don’t talk fancy you ass i’m in higher level classes than you

 

**yahaboi:** no you aren’t i’m class 5

**yahaboi:** you are a class 4

 

**teradshima:** OHWOWO the SALT is REALL

 

**WisdomOfTheAce:** as kuroo would say, ur so very NaCl

 

**yeah nope:** awww you’re whipped enough that you make chemistry puns off of his interests!!!

 

**lilyama:** it’s a bf thing

 

**WisdomOfTheAce:** not dating yet pls stahp reminding me

 

**scary-crow-mom-san:** the guy sent you a dick pic bokuto get off your ass and ask him out

 

**lilyama:** WHOAA MOM LANGUAGE THERE ARE KIDS HERE!!!

 

**scary-crow-mom-san:** oh my my i am sorry

**scary-crow-mom-san:** thank you yamaguchi

 

**welcome to the real world sugarpie:** please remember i am ALSO here

 

**also proud of foxyyboi:** I am sorry Kindachi, child

 

**overgrown assmushroom:** well i dunno that'll be him in two years

 

**yahaboi:** i will allow no such thing during my run as captain

 

**yeah nope:** oh stuff it, senpai

**yeah nope:** you and kyoutani are almost as bad as they are

 

**yahaboi:** ...

 

**overgrown assmushroom:** yahaba is #exposed

 

**yahaboi:** know what else is exposed?

**yahaboi:** kentarou's ass

**yahaboi:** i'm afraid i have to go

**yahaboi:** cheerio

 

**also proud of foxyyboi:** Damn, what a clapback

 

_ [kindaichi_y has left the conversation] _

 

**scary-crow-mom-san:** gosh darn it yahaba

 

**fruitagucci:** you fucked up a perfectly good kouhai is what you did

 

**teradshima:** look at it

**teradshima:** it's got anxiety

 

**also proud of foxyyboi:** I have anxiety waiting for Osamu to text me back

 

**yeah nope:** it's been like four hours..,. relax

 

**also proud of foxyyboi:** I don't trust Atsumu in enclosed spaces with people for hours on end

 

**anglebangs:** tch so clingy

 

**snemismeita:** *sigh*

**snemismeita:** youre an asshole, you know that right 

 

**anglebangs:** yeah but i'm your asshole

 

**snemismeita:** anatomically odd but i appreciate the sentiment ig

 

**lilyama:** is no one else going to remark on the fact that its almost 3 in the afternoon on a sunday and yahaba/kyoutani are having sex

 

**WisdomOfTheAce:** too busy trying to get a good post-shower shirtless pic to send kuroo

 

**lilyama:** ha thats gayyyyyyy

 

**scary-crow-mom-san:** ooh good luck bokuto!!

 

**yeah nope:** poor kindaichi

**yeah nope:** how flustered do you think he'd get if i sent him something like that

 

**fruitagucci:** 274993279% chance

 

**teradshima:** of unintelligible squeaking and/or spontaneous combustion

 

**anglebangs:** stop talking so fancy you silly shit

 

**overgrown assmushroom:** firstly why have my children grown to be so rude

**overgrown assmushroom:** first kawanishi now shirabu

**overgrown assmushroom:** tsk

 

**fruitagucci:** how mean of u shirabu

 

**teradshima:** lmao you think im stupid

 

**fruitagucci:** ill have u know that the bae is Class 7

 

**anglebangs:** a lie

 

**teradshima:** "Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." - Huxley, 1929

 

**fruitagucci:** mmmhmm talk nerdy to me daddy

 

**teradshima:** only if shitabu shuts his whore mouth :))

 

**lilyama:**  lmao the snark is strong with you

 

**WisdomOfTheAce:** so it turns out the relationships between the 2nd gen caps r even worse than the current gen caps

 

**beauty and grace:** lmao since when was that news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> terufuta? yes (longtime rarepair of mine ngl anyway)
> 
> oh hinata, keep on denying, the truth gonna bite you in the butt one day
> 
> will i ever focus on bo/kuroo ? i shall never know
> 
> also rest in peace, miya osamu, in a car ride for seven hours with his brother
> 
> oK IVE BEEN READING SO MUCH KYOUHABA RECENTLY I LOVE THEM


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reports of mind loss unfounded: OIKAWA HAVE YOU SEEN STAR LEAF
> 
> g’nite fuck-o’s: nahh whats it about
> 
> reports of mind loss unfounded: k so  
> reports of mind loss unfounded: two words:  
> reports of mind loss unfounded: extraterrestrial  
> reports of mind loss unfounded: marijuana
> 
> g’nite fuck-o’s: ..  
> g'nite fuck-o's: OHMY GOD I MUST SEE THIS  
> g’nite fuck-o’s: IWACHAN~~~
> 
> help me obi juan whoever: no
> 
> g’nite fuck-o’s: i’ll watch mothra with you~~
> 
> help me obi juan whoever: excuse you mothra is a classic  
> help me obi juan whoever: it is a whole other species of movie than alien weed
> 
> g’nite fuck-o’s: i’m calling in matsuhana
> 
> help me obi juan whoever: don’t you dare
> 
> g’nite fucko-o’s: iwachan u brought this down on yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Group Conversation: _beyoncé club_

[3:36 pm]

 

**princess leia:** TITAN AE

**princess leia:** T I T A N  A E

 

**in your dreams oikawa:** stop

 

**princess leia:** CALE TUCKER

**princess leia:**  MMMM DADDY

 

**litbero_m:** HELL YEAH WHAT A CLASSIC

 

**in your dreams oikawa:** don't encourage him

 

**princess leia:** !!!!!!!!!

 

**fuk u itachi:** what

 

**litbero_m:** ONLY THE BEST ANIMATED SPACE ADVENTURE MOVIE E V E R

 

**princess leia:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREATEST MOVIE LINES

 

**litbero_m:** my sCANNERS ARE PICKING UP A VERITABLE CORNUCOPIA OF .. NOTHING

 

**princess leia:** THE LEAST THEY COULD DO IS KILL MY FOOD BEFORE I EAT IT

 

 **SNOOD HORAS:** um

 

**litbero_m:** DOES THIS LOOK FAMILIAR?

**litbero_m:** DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

**litbero_m:** NEITHER DO I

 

_[ chikara_karasuno has left the conversation]_

 

**The New Admin:** i'm keeping the rules okay  


 

_ [kuguri_nohebi has added chikara_karasuno to the conversation] _

 

 **ironwall2:** Turn off notifications and check maybe every 24 hours or so to make sure stuff isn't burning down

 

 **litbero:** * make sure the burning doesn't extend to you

 

_ [puddign_haed has changed his name to ughhhhh] _

 

**in your dreams oikawa:** at least y'all don't have to constantly babysit your captain  


 

**princess leia:** RUDE IWACHAN

**princess leia:** @everyone: (STAY HERE AND) FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT, PRECIOUS

 

**litbero_m:**  NICE!!

**litbero_m:** I THINK I’M GONNA CALL IT… ‘BOB’

 

**princess leia:** NO, KOMORI, YOU CAN’T CALL A PLANET ‘BOB’!

 

**litbero_m:** CAN WE TALK ABT THE SOUNDTRACK

 

**princess leia:** … BUT IIIIIIII'M NOT BROOOOKEN

 

 **ironwall2:** Okay I will be taking my leave now

 

**litbero_m:** IN MYYYYYY DREAMS IIIIIIIII WIN

 

 **litbero** **:** what no eyebrows guy said

 

**princess leia:** OUT HERE I’M NOOOOOOOOTHING

 

 **chikara_karasuno:** i have um homework gOTTA BLAST

 

**litbero_m:** A COSMIC CASTAWAAAAAAY

 

**in your dreams oikawa:**  thanks for abandoning me

**in your dreams oikawa:** we need a new conversation topic or they'll never stop

 

**princess leia:** haVe U SEEN THE LAST JEDI TRAILER??

 

**litbero_m:** THE PORGS OHMYGOSH

**litbero_m:** but seeing leia made me sad ;-;

 

**princess leia:** carrie fisher, an eternal icon

 

**litbero_m:** may she rest in peace ;-;

 

**princess leia:** ;-;

 

**litbero_m:** ;-;

 

_ [litbero_m has changed his name to she is in a better place] _

 

**princess leia:** no, we should remember her for her good things. live out her legacy. show her our love.

 

_ [oikawahahaha has changed his name to g’nite fuck-o’s] _

 

**she is in a better place:** you know oikawa you are right

 

_ [litbero_m has changed his name to reports of mind loss unfounded] _

 

**fuk u itachi:** .. this is beautiful

 

**in your dreams oikawa:** oikawa

**in your dreams oikawa:** .. that was a good thing you have done.

 

_ [aobajousaiace has changed his name to help me obi juan whoever] _

 

_ [sasuke_kiyoomi has changed his name to strangled by my own bra] _

 

**reports of mind loss unfounded:**  amen

**reports of mind loss unfounded:** ok but OIKAWA HAVE YOU SEEN STAR LEAF

 

**g’nite fuck-o’s:** nahh whats it about

 

**reports of mind loss unfounded:** k so

**reports of mind loss unfounded:** two words:

**reports of mind loss unfounded:** extraterrestrial

**reports of mind loss unfounded:** marijuana

 

**g’nite fuck-o’s:** OHMY GOD I MUST SEE THIS

**g’nite fuck-o’s:** IWACHAN~~~

 

**help me obi juan whoever:** no

 

**g’nite fuck-o’s:** i’ll watch mothra with you~~

 

**help me obi juan whoever:** excuse you mothra is a classic

**help me obi juan whoever:** it is a whole other species of movie than alien weed

 

**g’nite fuck-o’s:** i’m calling in matsuhana

 

**help me obi juan whoever:** don’t you dare

 

**g’nite fucko-o’s:** iwachan u brought this down on yourself

 

**strangled by my own bra:** lmao who’s matsuhana

 

**g’nite fuck-o’s:** *who ARE matsuhana

**g'nite fuck-o's:** they are aobajousai’s number 2  & 3

**g’nite fuck-o’s:** our other third years

**g’nite fuck-o’s:**  most importantly, they are matsukawa issei and hanamaki takahiro- the memes supreme

 

**strangled by my own bra:** like, terushima/futakuchi memes supreme or

 

**help me obi juan whoever:** oh, worse

**help me obi juan whoever:** much

**help me obi juan whoever:** much

**help me obi juan whoever:** worse

 

_ [oikawahahaha has added cheezesteank and HireASamurai! to the conversation] _

 

**help me obi juan whoever:** i’m going to murder you trashykawa

 

**cheezesteank:** my my iwaizumi

 

**HireASamurai!:** what a way to greet old friends :’(

 

**g’nite fuck-o’s:** come over and watch a movie abt space marijuana with me since iwachans being a jerk and refusing

 

**help me obi juan whoever:** i can feel you pout from here

**help me obi juan whoever:** what i can’t feel, surprisingly, is giving a fuck

 

**cheezesteank:** wo r00d

 

**g’nite fuck-o’s:** mattsuuuuuun be a better friend

 

**cheezesteank:** well

**cheezesteank:** them devil’s lettuces??

 

**HireASamurai!:** from the vast otherworldly expanse of the universe??

 

**cheezesteank:** hell

 

**HireASamurai!:** yeah

 

**cheezesteank:**  ... makki

 

**HireASamurai!:** yes mattsun

**HireASamurai!:** OHHHHH

 

**HireASamurai!:** WE FINISH EACH OTHERS

 

**cheezesteank:** SANDWICHES

 

**HireASamurai!:** THATS WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY!

 

**cheezesteank:** I NEVER MET SOMEONE WHO THINKS SO MUCH LIKE ME!

 

**HireASamurai!:** JINX!

 

**cheezesteank:** JINX AGAIN!

 

**HireASamurai!:** OUR MENTAL SYNCHRONIZATION

 

**i deserve cake:** last i checked this chat was Bokuto Crush Advice Group not a karaoke bar

 

**HireASamurai!:** uh wow okay rude

**HireASamurai!:** but that sounds spicy~~

 

**cheezesteank:** you know what else is spicy ;)

 

**HireASamurai!:** why no i don’t would you care to enlighten me ;)

 

**cheezesteank:** chicken vindaloo vesuvius

**cheezesteank:** that shits hot as FUCK man

 

**HireASamurai!:** … how and where can i order one

 

**cheezesteank:** oh there’s some in my fridge my mom bought it last night

**cheezesteank:** still i can fEEL the BUrN in my SToMACHs

 

**HireASamurai!:** i’m coming over to pick it up k

 

**cheezesteank:** nobody’s home but u know where the key is right

 

**HireASamurai!:** yea

 

**cheezesteank:** aight now gET THAT HELLFIRE DISH OUTTA MY HOUSE

**cheezesteank:** dont touch my lunch tho

**cheezesteank:** i have 7 shrimps and 4567 rice

**cheezesteank:** i will be counting up

 

**HireASamurai!:** its almost like u dont trust me!!

 

**cheezesteank:** babe

**cheezesteank:** i do trust u

**cheezesteank:** not around food

**cheezesteank:** i still remember your vicious thievery of my ravioli

 

**i deserve cake:** you know what

**i deserve cake:** i don’t even know i am turning off my phone and walking away

 

**HireASamurai!:** but bro i needed it for the memes!!

 

**cheezesteank:** whatever but ravioli ravioli don’t fucking touch my rice-ioli

 

**HireASamurai!:** i will not touch your damn 7 shrimp and 4567 rice okay

 

**cheezesteank:** do u swear it upon his holiness, oikawa tooru, and his grave

 

**HireASamurai!:** yes!!! lemme get that chickeny vindaloo vesuvawhateverthefuck okay

 

**g’nite fuck-o’s:** oi i’m not dead!!!

 

**help me obi juan whoever:** you will be after i kill you for adding these two to this chat

 

**settersrc00l:** i appreciate the gesture iwaizumi-san but please hold off until this asshat spills the beans on yachi hitoka

 

**g'nite fuck-o's:** IWACHAN LISTEN TO HIM

**g'nite fuck-o's:** . WAIT

 

* * *

 

Group Conversation:  _ this is an intervention _

[11:57 pm]

 

**foxyyboi:** Hi, this is Osamu speaking, since Atsumu went to sleep at a reasonable time for once, so I stole his phone and am going tell you ALL about the date before he gets up

 

**Shark:** also akaasshi forgot hus phone here  bc he was so distracted sayinf goodbye to atmsumu so i will also b speking (s BOKUTO btw!!!)

 

**yeah nope:** we could tell

 

**overgrown assmushroom:** its weird to see such bad spelling from akaashis acc

 

**Shark:** That's rude of you.

**Shark:**  You know what:

**Shark:** For the sake of Akaashi's dignity, which will likely be battered after Osamu and I tell all— Akaashi, dude, I apologize in advance— I suppose I can find it in me to text as he would.

 

**yeah nope:** that was... incredibly passive-aggressive 

 

**foxyyboi:** Anyways, the two of them are ridiculously pure

**foxyyboi:** I always thought that Atsumu was a bit of a fuckboy, myself

 

**lilyama:** rude judgement!! from his own /brother/!!! *gasp*

 

**foxyyboi:** He does project, you know

 

**anglebangs:** like terushima

 

**teradshima:** Excuse you! I am a perfectly well-mannered gentleman who respects the sacred boundaries of monogamy!

 

**fruitagucci:** yuuji how much pain r u in from typing like that

 

**teradshima:** a lot tbh

 

**Shark:** They went to a cat café together! I was scrolling through Akaashi's camera roll and there are too many adorable pictures.

 

_ [Shark has sent 8 photos to the conversation] _

 

**lilyama:** I GOTTA TELL TSUKKI TO TAKE ME TA ONE O THOSE

 

 **beauty and grace:** oh mika loves cats! bokuto can you send me the address?

 

**Shark:**  Sure!

**Shark:** I also put it down on a list of places I'd like to take Kuroo if I can ever get up the nerve to ask him out...

 

**foxyyboi:** They were there for maybe an hour? Just playing with cats

**foxyyboi:** They ordered each other's coffee and the baristas gave them frosting-heart cookies on the house

 

**Shark:** *RAINBOW frosting-heart cookies.

 

_ [Shark has sent 1 photo to the conversation] _

 

**foxyyboi:** Afterwards they hung around the park a bit and took the train to Bokuto's house

**foxyyboi:** Bokuto and I were watching volleyball match reruns of Nationals waiting for them to come back

 

**Shark:** I look slightly less awesome on television, sadly.

 

**foxyyboi:** Atsumu went upstairs to use the bathroom and Akaashi came in for a bit to watch with us

**foxyyboi:** But then Atsumu came down with a small bouquet of flowers

 

**beauty and grace:** ohmygosh

 

**Shark:** Akaashi started stupid smiling and then they were hugging each other and it took Akaashi ten minutes to say goodbye

**Shark:** Atsumu kissed him on the cheek and said, "See you tomorrow, Keiji," and I swear to God Akaashi started crying just a teeny bit.

 

**foxyyboi:** It was the most adorable thing I've ever seen

**foxyyboi:** Atsumu was grinning like an idiot for another hours and tried to brush his teeth with Bokuto's little sister's acne gel

 

 **beauty and grace:** wow

 

 

**teradshima:**  aww i am sp inspired by this

**teradshima:** kenji will u buy me small bouquets of flowers n take me to cat cafés

 

**fruitagucci:** sure if u want but i dont really think its like, US, or whatever

 

**teradshima:** tru i think were more of a 'break into high school at 2 am to pig out on vending machine nachos' kinda couple

 

**anglebangs:** what the fuck

 

**teradshima:** Hey, don't knock it until you're tried it!

 

**anglebangs:** are you just saltily answering all my texts in proper grammer to spite me and my APPARENT lower intelligence?

 

**teradshima:** *Grammar.

**teradshima:** And yes, I am.

 

**lilyama:** WEEEWWOOOWEEEEOO SALTTT ALERT

 

**anglebangs:** i hate u

 

**teradshima:** Come up with something a little more original, sweetie.

 

 **beauty and grace:** oho NICE KILL

 

**fruitagucci:** i love u

 

**teradshima:** ;)

 

**overgrown assmushroom:** WAKATOSHI WHAT KINDA COUPLE ARE WE

 

**mooshijima:** We are the Ultimate Volleyball Power Pair

 

**overgrown assmushroom:** oh

 

**lilyama:** rip tendou's romantic aspirations, 2k17

 

**anglebangs:** ha

 

**overgrown assmushroom:** stop being so rude to your senpai!!!!

 

**mooshijima:** Satori, I'm joking

**mooshijima:** By the way, I finally bought us a Crunchyroll subscription

 

**overgrown assmushroom:** OH MY GOSH WAKATOSHI THNAK UOU SO MUCHH II L OV VE YOU SO MU CH ALAGSVEKSEVSV

 

**anglebangs:** ew nerds

 

**snemismeita:**  kenjirou why am i dating you

 

**anglebangs:** well to hop on the 'what kinda couple are you' train

**anglebangs:** we are the Salt Baes

 

**snemismeita:** yeah true

**snemismeita:** do you want to go to a BMTH concert with me in a month?

 

**anglebangs:** sure

 

**snemismeita:** aight i'll get the tickets now

 

**lilyama:** i want to add tsukki to this

 

**Shark:** Oh, God no... He'll never let me hear the end of this!!

 

**lilyama:** too late

 

_ [lilyama has added  noitslikefirefly to the conversation] _

 

**noitslikefirefly:** yamaguchi no not another group chat

 

**lilyama:** but tsukki this one is crush advice for bokuto

 

**noitslikefirefly:** wwhat

 

**Shark:** Yamaguchi! Shut up!

 

**noitslikefirefly:** first of all, only i get to say that to him

**noitslikefirefly:** secondly akaashi why are you being rude to my bf

**noitslikefirefly:** thirdly who does bokuto like

 

**Shark:** I'm sorry, Yamaguchi.

**Shark:** This is Bokuto, using correct grammar/punctuation/spelling as a tribute to Akaashi— who left his phone at my house after his date.

**Shark:** Tsukishima Kei, I am refusing to answer the third question.

 

**noitslikefirefly:** akaashi has a gf?

 

**foxyyboi:** *bf

**foxyyboi:** it me

 

**proud of foxyyboi:** He woke up and took his phone back

 

**foxyyboi:** im not mad dont worry but osamu is sulking

 

**proud of foxyyboi:** Am not!

 

**foxyyboi:** as yall can see

 

**noitslikefirefly:** ahh right akaashi went on a date with miya atsumu today

 

**foxyyboi:** why do you know that

 

**noitslikefirefly:** i'm in a groupchat with your captain :)

 

**foxyyboi:** ... all good things all good things right

 

**noitslikefirefly:** .. more or less ..

 

**proud of foxyyboi:** Ha

 

**foxyyboi:** ignore samu hes homesick for suna

 

**proud of foxyyboi:** I should have made you take the train to Tokyo

**proud of foxyyboi:** Then I could be at home eating tacos with Rintarou

 

**foxyyboi:** exhibit a

 

**proud of foxyyboi:** Shut it

 

**noitslikefirefly:** bokuto koutarou whomst the fucketh do you have a crush on

 

 **lilyama:** whoo boy suga's really gonna be wiping your mouth after this

 

 **noitslikefirefly:**.. crap SUGA I AM SORRY

 **noitslikefirefly:** but back to the question

 **noitslikefirefly:** bokuto

 

**Shark:** No

 

**anglebangs:** K

 

**snemismeita:** U

 

**teradshima:** R

 

**Shark:** FUCK OFF

 

**fruitagucci:** don't interrupt dammit

**fruitagucci:** (O)

 

 **beauty and grace:** O

 

 **Shark:** ET TU, DAISHOU?

 

 **beauty and grace:** it had to be done

 

**Shark:**  Ugh, I hate you all

**Shark:** Tsukki I swear if you say a single fucking word

 

**anglebangs:** ... DeAtH sHaLL sWoOp In On DrEaD bLaCk WiNgS

 

**noitslikefirefly:**  bokuto don't call me that

**noitslikefirefly:** .....

**noitslikefirefly:** ................................................................................................................

**noitslikefirefly:** yamaguchi

**noitslikefirefly:** dm

**noitslikefirefly:** please

 

**lilyama:** aight honey   
  


**Shark:** AASJDHYEUEWEGWQEWQHBMVSADFSAJDT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cliffhanger? ye
> 
> i can be a memer but i can also be a romantic okay


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shiratorizawasfutureace: i’VE BEEN LOCKED OUT OF MY HOUSE D:
> 
> churro: if u had a BAGUEETE u would feel BETTER
> 
> moniwa_k: bagueete
> 
> churro: MY POINT STILL STANDS
> 
> tol deceased stupid: SENPAI WHAT IS A BAGUETTE???
> 
> churro: well son
> 
> [idfkonoha has left the conversation]
> 
> churro: dang it whos gonna be my fukurodani inside man now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a real shoutout to the haikyuu!! + ultra discord for partially inspiring me and wholeheartedly for just helping me get through life tbh.. love you all!!
> 
> this chapter's a bit more.. serious, let's say, than the past ones, i'm sorry

_Group Conversation:_ _the land where the bong trees grow_

[12:02 am]

 

 **churro:** baguette

 

 **idfkonoha:** GIVE IT A FUCKEN REST KUROO

 

 **churro:** PEPPER JACK

 

 **idfkonoha:** NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR BAGUETTE

 

 **churro:** S A L A M I

 

 **idfkonoha:** KUROO I AM GOING TO KILL YOU

 

 **churro:** [T] [O] [M] [A] [T] [O]

 

 **moniwa_k:** what in the crap

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** i LOVE BAGUETTE

 

 **idfkonoha:** D ON ’T EN A B LE H I M

 

 **churro:** baguette baguette baGUETTE BAG U ETTE B A G U E T. TE

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** WE GET IT YOU LIKE BAGUETTE

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** i’VE BEEN LOCKED OUT OF MY HOUSE D:

 

 **churro:** if u had a BAGUEETE u would feel BETTER

 

 **moniwa_k:** bagueete

 

 **churro:** MY POINT STILL STANDS

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** SENPAI WHAT IS A BAGUETTE???

 

 **churro:** well son

 

_[_ _idfkonoha_ _has left the conversation]_

 

 **churro:** dang it whos gonna be my fukurodani inside man now

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** UWAH SOUNDS FUN!!!

 

 **the barbecue man:** Huh.

 **the barbecue man:** My first years have been trained out of all caps. I see that isn’t the case with your teams

 

 **churro:** SHUSH U MEANIE LEV CAN HEAR YOU

 

 **the barbecue man:** Or the special case third years either.

 

 **churro:** KITA UR SO RUDE OMFG

 

 **the barbecue man:** …

 

 **churro:** wait shit

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** D:

 

 **the barbecue man:** (  ᴖ◡ᴖ ✿)

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** D :

 

 **moniwa_k:** wound my kouhai again and this iron wall will fucking crush you :)

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** CAN I BE THE FUKURODANI INSIDE MAN

 

 **churro:** what

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** I DON’T CARE AS LONG AS THERE IS A MAN WHO CAN GET ME INSIDE MY HOUSE

 

 **the barbecue man:** Reon, what is Goshiki’s excuse?

 

 **someone_save_shiratorizawa:** he’s… excitable?

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** >:0

 

 **someone_save_shiratorizawa:** you are .. energetic, you must admit

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** LIKE HINATA BUT NOT SHRIMPY AND A GOOD PLAYER

 

 **the daddy friend:** i .. will not tell him you said that

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** LEV YOU’RE SO RUDE!!!!

 

 **tol** **deceased stupid:** I SAY IT LIKE IT IS??!!!

 

 **churro:** if yaku was here hed b kicking ur ass for that lmao

 

 **the barbecue man:** This is a disaster

 

 **the daddy friend:** speaking of Hinata, you know what else is a disaster

 **the daddy friend:** he’s in serious denial and is going out of his way to avoid me and especially kageyama outside of practice

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** OH NO

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** WHAT IS HE IN DENIAL OF??

 

 **the daddy friend:** i think he knows he likes him but is refusing to accept it

 **the daddy friend:** he’s obsessively hanging out with yachi i think he’s trying to redirect those feelings to her

 **the daddy friend:** yachi’s too nice to ask him to stop but she’s gay and he’s starting to make her uncomfortable

 **the daddy friend:** as captain it’s my responsibility to make sure all the club members are happy and healthy

 **the daddy friend:** this is Not happy or healthy

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** HINATA LIKES KAGEYAMA??

 **tol deceased stupid:** OH

 **tol deceased stupid:** THAT MAKES SENSE

 

 **the daddy friend:** yes

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** I CAN TEXT HIM IF YOU NEED DAICHI-SAN

 

 **the daddy friend:** i appreciate your offer a lot inuoka, but i don’t think it’s worth jeopardizing your relationship with him for

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** I CAN BAKE HIM SOMETHING AND YOUR TEAM CAN MAKE A CARD AND I CAN DELIVER IT TO HIM!!!

 

 **someone_save_shiratorizawa:** the first years are all so nice this year why were kawanishi and shirabu so awful when they were that age

 

 **churro:** nah theyre outliers

 **churro:** like tsukki

 **churro:** where tf is tsukki

 

 **the daddy friend:** i have no idea it says he’s online but he’s not here in this chat

 **the daddy friend:** thanks koganegawa but i think it’s better to talk to him directly

 

 **moniwa_k:** that’s my kouhai

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** OH OKAY

 

 **the barbecue man:** Well, which teammates does Hinata respect the most

 

 **the daddy friend:** uhhh, tanaka, nishinoya

 **the daddy friend:** i don’t think they’re the best equipped exactly to handle that

 

 **the barbecue man:** What about your vice captain?

 

 **the daddy friend:** KOUSHI

 **the daddy friend:** PERFECT THANK YOU

 

 **moniwa_k:** suga and daichi are a perfect example of a fully functioning and healthy gay relationship so that’s a good idea

 

 **churro:** i wonder whether the issues is w his gayness or w kageyama

 

 **the daddy friend:** wait you’re right

 

 **the barbecue man:** A first

 

 **churro:** stfu u allcaps anti

 

 **the daddy friend:** i’ll get suga to talk to hinata

 **the daddy friend:** and i’ll talk to kageyama!!

 **the daddy friend:** thank you all!!

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** no problem!!

 

 **KOGANEGAWA:** glad to help!

 

 **tol deceased stupid:** i hope it all works out

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** they’ll be so cute

 

 **churro:** wtf

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** kita-san bullied us

 

 **the barbecue man:** I did no such thing

 

 **the daddy friend:** well at any rate

 **the daddy friend:** i’ll get back to you on that

 

 **INUOKA_SOU:** i can’t believe tsukishima is choosing to stay out of this drama he is Clearly online

 

 **churro:** why tf is everyone’s gayness working out for them except me

 

 **the daddy friend:** don’t fucking jinx it you black cat

 

 **churro:** woah!! rude!!

 

 **shiratorizawasfutureace:** aahh cos he’s unlucky ahaha i got it NICE DAICHI-SAN

 

 **the daddy friend:** thank

 

 **moniwa_k:** once again: dad CONFIRMED

 

* * *

 

_Direct Message:_ _lilyama_ _and_ _noitslikefirefly_

[12:18 am]

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** omg

 **Kei ~ ♡:** omfg

 **Kei ~ ♡:** o m f g

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** what

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** i’m actually dying okay

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** i don’t get it

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** ?

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** just

 **Kei ~ ♡:** give me a minute i’m

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** tsukki please i feel like youre making fun of me somehow

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** i’m not i swear

 **Kei ~ ♡:** but there’s seriously a group chat

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** yea ?

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** just to help bokuto with his thirst

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** yea ??

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** for kuroo

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** i think that was established

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** okay idiots

 **Kei ~ ♡:** the both of them

 **Kei ~ ♡:** denser than fucking plutonium

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** tsukishima kei you better explain yourself or so help me

 

 **Kei ~ ♡: **sorry strawberry

 **Kei ~ ♡: **but would you believe me if i told you that instead of talking to each other about it or even to a Mutual Best Friend like me or akaashi

 **Kei ~ ♡:** certain that the other did not requite the feeling, they each made group chats to look for advice

 **Kei ~ ♡:** somehow without any overlapping contacts until now

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** i’d either say that was bullshit or something out of a fucking fanfic

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** well it’s true

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** what that this is a fanfic

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** i’ll get back to you on that but

 **Kei ~ ♡:** yes they did make those group chats

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** ahahaha fuck no way

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** i’m deceased

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** okay but we gotta break it to them

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** nahh

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** add them each to both chats and see how long they can keep up the pretense

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** ooh actually

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** not to be rude but sweetie those two could be at it for DAYS without letting anything slip

 

 **Kei ~ ♡:** okay we gotta

 

 **Tadashi ~ ✿:** agreed

 

* * *

 

_Group Conversation:_ _this is an intervention_

[12:46 am]

 

 **yahaboi:** somebody send help oikawa has been overtraining again and i really don’t know what to do

 

 **scary_crow_mom_san:** what about iwaizumi? i’m sure he will be able to talk some sense into him

 

 **yahaboi:** iwaizumi uh

 

 **yeah nope:** iwaizumi is the problem you see

 

 **fruitagucci:** yikes what happened

 

 **yahaboi:** well since it’s pretty much the end of the school year and they’re going to different universities, oikawa’s been acting bratty

 

 **anglebangs:** so no change really

 

 **yeah nope:** hey.,, shirabu?? can u uh .., tRY not..,, being a ASSHOLE for one (1) minute.. uh idk,,., if u accept Constructive™ Criticism on ur texts ? just a thought :))

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** That was incredibly aggressive

 

 **anglebangs:** fine. spill the beans

 

 **teradshima:** kunimi i like you

 

 **yeah nope:** good

 

 **yahaboi:** see, iwaizumi got annoyed

 **yahaboi:** at that and something to do with hanamaki and matsukawa and space movies in the other chat as well

 **yahaboi:** so he’s kind of been avoiding people

 **yahaboi:** even kentarou’s stupid challenges aren’t interesting him

 

 **yeah nope:** basically oikawa thinks it’s his fault and is taking it out on himself as a result

 

 **teradshima:** that’s a pickle

 

 **foxyyboi:** can i help

 

 **yeah nope:** do you even know oikawa

 

 **foxyyboi:** actually i do

 **foxyyboi:** he texted me a meme about cosmopolitan and our friendship sprung from there

 **foxyyboi:** and i think i get it. taking shit out on yourself, i mean

 

 **Shark:** Please tell me that doesn’t mean what I think it does

 **Shark:** Atsumu

 

 **foxyyboi:** keiji you don’t have to worry

 **foxyyboi:** i don’t

 **foxyyboi:** anymore

 **foxyyboi:** it wasn’t what you think

 

 **proud of foxyyboi:** Nearly hospitalized for bulimia in 3rd year of middle school? It was fucking awful, you can’t brush it off like that

 

 **foxyyboi:** osamu please i don’t want to talk about it

 **foxyyboi:** you and suna helped a lot you know

 **foxyyboi:** gin and kosaku too

 **foxyyboi:** let us not forget Mama Kita-san

 

 **Shark:** ... Atsumu

 

 **foxyyboi:** please

 **foxyyboi:** it’s still me

 

 **Shark:** I’m so sorry

 

 **foxyyboi:** keiji

 **foxyyboi:** KEIJI

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ABOUT TO SAY TO MY BEST FRIEND IF YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR THIS I AM PERSONALLY MURDERING YOU

 

 **Shark:** IT’S NOT THAT

 **Shark:** I’m just glad

 **Shark:** That you got over it

 **Shark:** And

 **Shark:** Atsumu

 

 **foxyyboi:** yeah..?

 

 **Shark:** that’s good skkngfng

 **Shark:** but

 **Shark:** kfkgjfhfgnnmdfgm i don’t

 **Shark:** HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET OVER IT PLEASE

 **Shark:** help me

 

 **foxyyboi:** i’m coming over

 **foxyyboi:** what is the issue. i’m going to google stuff

 

 **Shark:** AHAHAAHAHAGH

 **Shark:** ererytyhing

 **Shark:** binge purge

 **Shark:** skiped meals

 **Shark:** isnomnia

 **Shark:** ... razor baldes

 **Shark:** an i honetsly,, sometihme i just 

 **Shark:** want to die

 

 **foxyyboi:** oh my god that’s bad

 **foxyyboi:** how recent?

 

 **Shark:** five dyys

 

 **foxyyboi:** fucking shit keiji

 **foxyyboi:** DON’T YOU DARE MOVE AN INCH I’M COMING OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME

 

 **Shark:** i.. thannk u but. iyts 1 inthe morening

 

 **foxyyboi:** I DON’T CARE

 

 **proud of foxyyboi:** I WILL DRIVE HIM EVEN THOUGH TOKYO MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL STREET WISE

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** DON’T SWEAT IT I’LL DRIVE YOU BOTH MYSELF

 

 **foxyyboi:** AND WE’LL SKYPE OIKAWA AND FUCKING B E A T IT

 **foxyyboi:** THERE’S TOO MANY GOOD THINGS IN OUR LIVES TO HURT OURSELVES OVER THE BAD ONES

 

 **Shark:** Yeah. Okay. You’re right. I need to stick it out.

 

 **yahaboi:** thank you guys so much for oikawa

 **yahaboi:** akaashi i hope it gets better for you

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** I don’t know you very well but after Atsumu’s suffering I don’t want anyone ever to go through that shit again. You can beat this.

 

 **scary_crow_mom_san:** i second this

 

 **yeah nope:** me too

 

 **fruitagucci:** im texting the other chat people as well rn and they also have ur back

 

 **teradshima:** WERE HERE FOR EVERYONE ELSE

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** MHMM

 **overgrown assmushroom:** i’ve had my own issues unfortunately but! i’m over that thanks to my team love y’all, so i’d like to connect to that call as well if you don’t mind

 

 **Shark:** I

 **Shark:** Thank you

 **Shark:** So much

 **Shark:** Of course Tendou

 **Shark:** If anyone else can help I would appreciate you in the call as well

 

 **snemismeita:** of course

 

 **anglebangs:** we’re here for you

 

 **fruitagucci:** wow even shirabu

 

 **anglebangs:** give it a fucken rest futakuchi i do have a heart and maybe?? this is a personal experience?? as well

 

 **fruitagucci:** i’m sorry

 

 **teradshima:** yeah me too

 **teradshima:** ur a good guy shirabu

 

 **yeah nope:** this is really good

 **yeah nope:** the support network here

 **yeah nope:** Akaashi, please remember that you are the one who brought us all together and that we absolutely owe all of this to you. So thank you. I hope you get better soon.

 

 **fruitagucci:** that goes or EVERYONE here who is struggling with that kind of shit

 

 **teradshima:** kick its ass

 

 **mooshijima:** We believe in you.

 

 **Shark:** I’m so glad I made this group

 

* * *

 

_Group Conversation:_ _this is an intervention_

[1:25 am]

 

 **lilyama:** i’m so sorry i missed this important message

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** me too

 **noitslikefirefly:** akaashi, third gym wouldn’t have been the same without you . you’re crucial to the squad, and to everyone else, and you can fight it

 

 **Shark:** I’m getting kind of tired of saying thank you but

 **Shark:** Consider it said

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** THATS MORE LIEK OUR AKAAAASHI!!!

 

 **lilyama:** on another note

 **lilyama:** tsukki and i have come to the conclusion about something very important

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** to set a turning point for the group chats

 

 **lilyama:** bokuto, you are rather dense. but so is he so we’ll take things into our own hands on your behalf

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** ??

 

 **noitslikefirefly:** you forced our hand

 **noitslikefirefly:** we had no choice

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** ??????

 

_[_ _lilyama_ _has added_ _tetsurhoe_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **foxyyboi:** i sense things are gonna get real interesting

 

* * *

 

_Group Conversation:_ _the land where the bong trees grow_

[1:28 am]

 

_[_ _noitslikefirefly_ _has added_ _WisdomOfTheAce_ _to the conversation]_

 

 **the daddy friend:** AHHAHAHAH NICE NICE

 

—

 

_Direct Message:_ _noitslikefirefly_ _and_ _WisdomOfTheAce_

[1:28 am]

 

 **the Bird:** WHAT THE F U C K BRO

 

 **megane kun:** LMAO GET REKT

 

 **the Bird:** TSUKKI IM GOING TO SPIKE UR FUCKING FACE

 

 **megane kun:** I’M FOUR HOURS AWAY STUPID

 

 **the Bird:** JAJKSAHJSAHSAVBVABVDJKJKH

 

* * *

 

_Direct Message:_ _noitslikefirefly_ _and_ _tetsurhoe_

[1:28 am]

 

 **felicia hardy:** tsukishima kei

 **felicia hardy:** what THE FUCK, exactly, do u think ur doing

 

 **6’ 3” stringbean:** suck it up buttercup

 

 **felicia hardy:** ur a real charmer ;)) u know that

 **felicia hardy:** U ASSFUCK SHITBUCKET

 

 **6’ 3” stringbean:** aww you love me

 

 **felicia hardy:** DO I LOOK LIKE IM HAPPY

 

 **6’ 3” stringbean:** i wouldn’t know i can’t see your face

 

 **felicia hardy:** .. I HATE U

 

 **6’ 3” stringbean:** yeah but i’m still your bitch ;))

 

 **felicia hardy:** im calling dadchi this is harassment

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, sorry i haven't updated in a while. i've been in a bit of a bad place this month. but i managed to finish a 2k chapter in about two weeks and i really hope that i will finish this fic soon!! we're getting there guys. slowly but surely.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tetsurhoe: spare me pls, bride of dadchi
> 
> Shark: Time for a new intervention clearly  
> Shark: Bokuto
> 
> WisdomOfTheAce: fkhdshjssbbsksjwvwbwnsjw take me god im ready t Die
> 
> Shark: Absolutely not  
> Shark: I am bros with God and I can tell you he is not ready to have you bumbling and crashing through heaven yet
> 
> foxyyboi: does god approve of me keiji-chan
> 
> tetsurhoe: HOLLY SHIT
> 
> Shark: It is not Christmas and you are not 7, please learn to spell, Kuroo-san
> 
> overgrown assmushroom: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
> 
> tetsurhoe: i came out to have a good time and i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now
> 
> Shark: I came out to attack people and i’m honestly having such a good time right now
> 
> beauty and grace: i need an aspirin this is too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, so sorry for the long break between updates. i've had a rough past few months honestly, but i sat down today and wrote this all, and i feel better. i'm really glad i **finally** got it done!
> 
> the boys are gonna make it through this and so am i. they're finally starting to sort stuff out now, and this'll come to an end soon. it's been a great run, but we all deserve it.
> 
> hope y'all enjoy.

_Direct Message:_ _aobajousaiace_ _and_ _oikawahahaha_

[3:57 am]

 

 **trash? trash.:** iawchhan

 **trash? trash.:** IWAACAN

 **trash? trash.:** pl s iwchan

 

 **hajime <3:** oh my god oikawa

 **hajime <3:** you haven’t spoken to me in DAYS you asshole i was fucking worried

 

 **trash? trash.:** ohh im so soryry iwachan :( ((

 

 **hajime <3:** oikawa tooru are you absolutely sober right now

 

 **trash? trash.:** of corse

 **trash? trash.:** cuorse

 **trash? trash.:** coures

 **trash? trash.:** ahahah f uck

 

 **hajime <3:** oikawa please i don’t even know what’s up with you but i feel like shit when you avoid me like

 **hajime <3:** i know it’s my fault but i don’t even know what i did so

 **hajime <3:** please tooru

 **hajime <3:** if there’s something that can’t be fixed between us at least let us end it on our own terms

 

 **trash? trash.:** hajime its no t

 **trash? trash.:** ima fuccking mess iwa chan

 **trash? trash.:** it sn ot ur fault in any way ist just that im a fucked up beign and i dony knowe how to save this rletaitonship

 

 **hajime <3:** your typing is really bothering me oikawa please are you drunk is everything all right???

 **hajime <3:** i’m coming over

 

 **trash? trash.:** no imm just cyring

 

 **hajime <3:** i’m coming over

 

 **trash? trash.:** no plea se donnt

 **trash? trash.:** i can get it together.

 **trash? trash.:** like iwa-chan this is something i’m not brave enough to say to you

 **trash? trash.:** so just let me text you instead please

 

 **hajime <3:** i

 **hajime <3:** okay

 

 **trash? trash.:** i just want to say this because we’re going off to university soon

 **trash? trash.:** different universities

 

 **hajime <3:** yeah

 

 **trash? trash.:** so if i fuck this up

 **trash? trash.:** if i fuck US up

 **trash? trash.:** then we don’t have to live with it in person anymore

 

 **hajime <3:** i don’t understand

 

 **trash? trash.:** it’s not a joke, iwa-chan

 **trash? trash.:** i know you thought it was and so i went along with it

 **trash? trash.:** because despite how hard it was i was never cruel enough to give you up

 

 **hajime <3:** oikawa tooru what the fuck are you talking about

 

 **trash? trash.:** it was NEVER a joke

 **trash? trash.:** i have the stupidest, most painful and ridiculous dAMN

 **trash? trash.:** i’m in love with you, hajime iwaizumi, and i was never brave enough to tell you.

 **trash? trash.:** that’s the big fucking secret, buddy

 **trash? trash.:** this big idiot fuckup here has been gayly in love with his best friend for six years.

 

 **hajime <3:** oikawa

 

 **trash? trash.:** i don’t want your damn pity, hajime, i don’t want excuses, i just want the cold hard truth so i can finally move on from this and not have to see your stupid beautiful face every day for the next four stupid years of my life and i don’t care if it’s over like. i’ll care but i’ll let it go because my fucking heartbreak isn’t worth your friendship so you know what? hate me instead that will make it so much easier and i just

 **trash? trash.:** god, hajime, i’m so tired. of this. all of it. life. i wish it would just fucking end already,

 

 **hajime <3:** wow fuck, tooru, that’s a mess but. look. first of all, i could never hate you

 **hajime <3:** and second, i am most definitely coming to your house because that ‘tired of everything’ line there? ‘let it just end’? you know what that is? that’s a fucking suicide line, tooru, and i am in No Way letting you off yourself because there is so much more we need to sort out and whatever the fuck comes from this emotional shitfest, it’s still enough to keep you here

 **hajime <3:** the team and your family and the school and the big bad volleyball world out there waiting for you and every damn life you’ve managed to touch with your amazing self, it would never want to see you go.

 **hajime <3:** and there’s me. shittykawa, i don’t ever want to see you die. ever. whatever the hell our relationship is, be it best friends or anything the fuck else, its pretty damn strong. this is the cheesiest fucking line ever and i know you’ll never let me hear the end of this when you come to your damn senses but.

 **hajime <3:** oikawa tooru, if you die, it is one hundred thousand percent guaranteed that would absolutely destroy my life. like. i’m pretty sure whatever gods are up there are contractually obliged to kill me as well, and i know you’d feel guilty about that wherever the hell your uploaded-to-an-alien-database afterlife is and i do not need your guilt because that shit is a useless emotion, buddy.

 **hajime <3:** ugh what a long rant my fingers hurt

 **hajime <3:** but you got my fucking point? you got it? tell me now, do you understand everything i just said? hmm?

 

 **trash? trash.:** yea,,

 

 **hajime <3:** look idiot i don’t even know how my emotions around you work at this point but whether it’s platonic or more, i love you.

 **hajime <3:** trashykawa tooru, i love you, and so here i am, right outside your front door at 4 in the morning to tell you that in person, and we’re going to go inside, and sit on your arecibo message duvet you’ve had since we were seven, right at that spot against the wall underneath the seijou volleyball team poster, and i’m going to talk you you, and you’re going to talk to me, and we’ll sort this big shit pile of emotional garbage out, because i never ever ever want you out of my life, ever, so guess what? you’re stuck with me too, nerd.

 **hajime <3:** we’re fucking bonded for life.

 

 **trash? trash.:** …iwa-chan….

 

 **hajime <3:** LET ME IN ASSHAT IT’S TEN DEGREES OUT HERE

 

 **trash? trash.:** but

 

 **hajime <3:** you really gonna let me freeze like that? really? look man i know you’re going through some Big Fat Heart Turmoil here but you’re seriously going to be that kind of dick? hmm? have i mentioned it is FOUR FUCKING OH FIVE AM?

 

 **trash? trash.:** …. no

 

 **hajime <3:** good because for a moment i really thought you were gonna hide from your feelings again and leave me locked out here. asshole.

 

 **trash? trash.:** oh my god,

 **trash? trash.:** i love you so much

 **trash? trash.:** i love you.

 

 **hajime <3:** i know.

 

 **trash? trash.:** yeah

 **trash? trash.:**  wait

 **trash? trash.:** WAIT IWA-CHAN WAS THAT A FUCKING STAR WARS REFERENCE

 

 **hajime <3:** ………. maybe

 

* * *

 

_Group Conversation:_ _this is an intervention_

[10:29 am]

 

 **tetsurhoe:** whomsts intervention

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** . none intervention

 

 **mooshijima:** Your intervention

 

 **fruitagucci:** what intervention

 

 **teradshima:** our intervention?? ;)

 

 **foxyyboi:** what does that even mean idiots

 

 **fruitagucci:** fuck off we’re in LOVE

 

 **Shark:** All of you need to shut up

 

 **tetsurhoe:** ew gay

 

 **fruitagucci:** my man it takes one to know one

 

 **tetsurhoe:** ok. thats fair

 

 **beauty and grace:** right and what’s going on

 

 **tetsurhoe:** do mine eyes deceive me

 **tetsurhoe:** SNAKE

 **tetsurhoe:** IS MY INTERVENTIN W HIM EWW NO NO

 

 **beauty and grace:**  no and shut your face fool or i’ll shut it for you

 

 **fruitagucci:** kinky

 

 **tetsurhoe:** BOI

 

 **beauty and grace:** GROSS I HAVE A GF

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** shut up futakuchi nobody thinks ur funny

 

 **teradshima:** OBJECTION

 

 **foxyyboi:** youre biased you don’t count

 

 **teradshima:** YOU DONT COUNT NOBODY LIKES YOU

 

 **fruitagucci:** aw ty babe ;)

 

 **foxyyboi:** OSAMU

 

 **proud of foxyyboi:**  Hmm? Yeah Bokuto's right

 **proud of foxyyboi:** Nobody likes any of you

 

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** ^

 

 **fruitagucci:** RUDE

 

 **teradshima:** RUDE

 

 **foxyyboi:** BACK ME UP YOU TURDS

 

 **tetsurhoe:** who R U PEOPLE ANYWAY

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:**  ....... ur MOM

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** EVERYONE SHUT UP

 

 **fruitagucci:** i’m sorry don’t hurt me

 

 **teradshima:** me either

 

 **foxyyboi:** or me

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** i still haven’t travelled the world don’t kill me i’m too young to die

 

 **tetsurhoe:** spare me pls, bride of dadchi

 

 **Shark:** Time for a new intervention clearly

 **Shark:** Bokuto

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** fkhdshjssbbsksjwvwbwnsjw take me god im ready t Die

 

 **Shark:** Absolutely not

 **Shark:** I am bros with God and I can tell you he is not ready to have you bumbling and crashing through heaven yet

 

 **foxyyboi:** does god approve of me keiji-chan~~

 

 **tetsurhoe:** HOLLY SHIT

 

 **Shark:** It is not Christmas and you are not 7; please learn to spell, Kuroo-san

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

 **tetsurhoe:** i came out to have a good time and i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now

 

 **Shark:** I came out to attack people and i’m honestly having such a good time right now

 

 **beauty and grace:** i need an aspirin this is too much

 

 **fruitagucci:** lemme tell you what’s too much amirite right yuuji ;)

 

 **foxyyboi:** NO! GOD! NO GOD PLEASE NO! NO! NO! NOOO

 

 **teradshima:** god hates you atsumu

 

 **Shark:** Wrong. My buddy dude, God, shines his approval brightly upon my chosen consort

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** damn

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** WHT IS GOING ON RIGHT NPW

 

 **mooshijima:** To end this hellstorm, I’m afraid you must

 **mooshijima:** What’s the term

 **mooshijima:** Tendou, help me out

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** oooh

 **overgrown assmushroom:** BONE

 

 **mooshijima:** No, but continue

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** WHAT

 

 **foxyyboi:** BONE UR DUMB AS SHIT LONGCAT ALREADY

 

 **tetsurhoe:** …

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** SHUT THE FUCK UP ATSUMU

 

 **tetsurhoe:** …. oh my god you like LEV ????

 

 **Shark:** This is going even worse than expected

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** kjgsgdhDJSVSKSJGSS;$!;:?: &@?/???

 

 **beauty and grace:** even God can’t save us now

 

 **tetsurhoe:** OH MY GOD YAKU IS GONNA KILL U

 **tetsurhoe:** fucKING LEG IM CACKLING

 

 **Shark:** Why are my friends so dumb

 

 **overgrown assmushroom:** and i somehow thought Miraculous Ladybug was unrealistic

 

 **tetsurhoe:** GIMME ALL THEM DEETS

 **tetsurhoe:** WHEN DID THIS ALL START

 **tetsurhoe:** BRO IM CRYIGN HOW,,, LEG OF ALL PEOPLE,,,,

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** dude

 

 **beauty and grace:** ayehya

 

 **tetsurhoe:** TELL ME ALL

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** kuroo

 

 **tetsurhoe:** does hinata know h will be thrilled

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** if u could stop for 1 SECOND

 

 **tetsurhoe:** sorry

 **tetsurhoe:** shoot

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** i DONT like lev and frankly im a lil insulted u thought so i do have standards btw

 

 **t** **etsurhoe:** naw u dont but go on

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** i’ll just not mention that slight against yaku but okay

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** yeah dont im already gonna be murdered by kaashi once this is all over

 

 **Shark:** You’re not wrong

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** im SORRY

 

 **Shark:** It’s not your fault entirely, it’s just that you and Cat Boy here are idiots

 

 **tetsurhoe:** rude im class 5

 

 **foxyyboi:** yeah but you’re still a FOOL

 

 **tetsurhoe:** i dont know u so im ignoring that

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** could yall let me talk ok jeezus i feel like im gonna puke

 

 **tetsurhoe:** sorry bro

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** I do really like a Dumb Longcat but it’s not Lev, okay

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** It’s you, Kuroo

 

 **tetsurhoe:** wait . what

 

 **fruitagucci:** daMN I DIDN’T THINK HE’D GO THROUGH WITH IT

 

 **teradshima:** YOU OWE ME ELEVEN BURGERS KENJI

 

 **fruitagucci:** DONT REMIND ME

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** ….

 

 **tetsurhoe:** oh my god

 

 **teradshima:** HAHA CANT BELIEVE I CALLED IT FOR ONCE

 

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** Sorry.

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** I can’t be here right now.

 

 **tetsurhoe:** wait wait bo don’t

 

_[_ _WisdomOfTheAce_ _has left the conversation]_

 

 **fruitagucci:** I CALLED THAT ONE THO. YOU OWE ME 28 PAPER AIRPLANES

 

 **teradshima:** DAMMIT

 

 **foxyyboi:** guys give it a rest

 

 **beauty and grace:** now is absolutely not the fucking time

 

 **teradshima:** aww

 

 **beauty and grace:** i mean it

 

 **tetsurhoe:** fuck.

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** kuroo?

 

 **tetsurhoe:** he

 **tetsurhoe:** Bokuto blocked me

 

 **Shark:** I’m sorry

 

 **tetsurhoe:** You’re all assholes

 

_[_ _tetsurhoe_ _has left the conversation]_

 

 **scary-crow-mom-san:** now look what we’ve done

 

* * *

 

_Direct Message:_ _littlegiant2.0_ _and_ _WisdomOfTheAce_

[11:02 pm]

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** hinata

 **OWL DAD!!:** i fucked up

 

 **sun son:** WHAT HAPPENED??

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** normally i love it, but i really can’t deal with all caps right now

 

 **sun son:** okay sorry about that, what’s wrong?

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** i told myself i wasn’t going to do it but then they added him and kaashi was being weird and some annoying second years were pressuring me and even tendou with everything at the wrong time and

 **OWL DAD!!:** i did it.

 **OWL DAD!!:** i FINALLY told Stupid Kuroo i liked him and he thought it was a joke

 

 **sun son:** i’m sure he didn’t, bokuto-san

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** he thought i liked LEV

 

 **sun son:** …

 **sun son:** okay yeah that is bad.

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** yeah.

 **OWL DAD!!:** but school’s ending in a few weeks so i won’t have to worry about that anymore

 **OWL DAD!!:** no more playing against DUMB CAT with his DUMB HAIR and his DUMB SMIRK and the DUMB BLOCK and

 **OWL DAD!!:** i guess it’s for the best

 **OWL DAD!!:** cleaner break and all that

 

 **sun son:** don’t say that

 **sun son:** he likes you a lot, you know

 **sun son:** probably the same way you do

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** yeah excuse me if i don’t feel like taking relationship advice from a guy who keeps trying to get with a lesbian because he can’t fucking come to terms with a gay crush

 

 **sun son:** …

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** i’m sorry i’m being a dick, i didn’t mean that

 

 **sun son:** no. you did mean it. but

 **sun son:** yeah. no. you’re right

 **sun son:** i shouldn’t be avoiding the team and stressing yachi out, it’s unfair on them i don’t know how to deal

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** i can’t believe we’re texting like normal people for once

 

 **sun son:** it’s just that bad, huh?

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** naturally

 

 **sun son:** it’s not fair at all to jeopardize our entire team because i can’t keep my head together

 **sun son:** daichi and suga were arguing the other day. they pretend to be fine around the rest of us, anchor in the storm and all that, but i know that they aren’t perfect right now.

 **sun son:** and it’s probably because of me

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** no, hinata you shouldn’t blame yourself for that

 

 **sun son:** i already know for a fact it is my fault though.

 **sun son:** so i want to talk to him

 **sun son:** kageyama, i mean

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** that’s really brave of you

 

 **sun son:** even if he doesn’t feel like i do or want to take it anywhere, we are a pair on the court. and we’ll keep the other players together as well. so us talking, playing together again, that’s already so much better than this whatever-it-is, right now

 **sun son:** i’m past caring, you know?

 **sun son:** it’s time for me to stop being selfish and rejoin the real world.

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** … wow

 **OWL DAD!!:** you’ve really changed since the last time we met

 

 **sun son:** haha of course

 **sun son:** tsukishima kei, of all people, had to talk some sense into me

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** wow okay

 **OWL DAD!!:** good ol tsukki

 

 **sun son:** annoying bastard that he is, he’s a good guy to lean on

 **sun son:** not physically

 **sun son:** imagine me, what, puncturing my skull on his dumb bony shoulders

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** if you could even reach his shoulders walking, haha

 

 **sun son:** HEY

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** but seriously though

 **OWL DAD!!:** thank you a lot for this

 

 **sun son:** no problem

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** you’re a pretty solid guy, hinata

 

 **sun son:** aww thanks dad

 **sun son:** best of luck to you and kuroo?

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** best of luck to you and kageyama

 

 **sun son:** muchas gracias

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** huh i didn’t know you spoke italian

 

 **sun son:** haha close but not quite, it’s french lol

 

 **OWL DAD!!:** well French Thanks to you as well!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hinata and bo are good dudes. smart really, but you gotta have One Dumb Incorrect thing for them to say
> 
> i don't know when i'll next be updating to be completely honest. maybe a month or so. i have internals in april and i'm failing at least 3 classes so i should study more.
> 
> i can't say i'm doing great right now but i have been worse and i know things should get better soon and all that, so i'm looking forward to the next update. it'll probably be the last one!


End file.
